Happy Holidays

I just want to wish all my friends and family a happy holidays...hope its great..

With that out of the way, I still wait.  But because of the time of the year, it is worse for me.  I have never been a fan of the winter, I am a Cali girl at heart...so this weather sucks...but on top of that...i have heard NOTHING...from nobody...I know that they are doing what they can, and haven't forgotten about me...but man....NOTHING...  Here is what I don't understand, I know from my caseload, my coworkers caseloads, and my friends that work in other areas of CPS, that everyone has a ton of cases...so that's only Sacramento County???  Placer, Solano, Contra Costa or any other county have no babies being removed from their parents...I highly doubt that...I know that they do the matching, and i think that if people were looking at a couple and then me...they would much rather send that child to a 2 parent home...but i am willing to pick up a baby being released from the hospital.  So much is going on in my head, so much so i can't concentrate, and have completely unmotivated!!...so...I continue to wait...

Tonight on TV was a show about adoption stories, and of course I cried...not even a little...bawled my eyes out...

So I will leave you with this....a friend saw this, and said she thought of me....brings a few tears...

http://www.beliefnet.com/Inspiration/Chicken-Soup-For-The-Soul/2010/12/A-Mother-at-Last.aspx?source=NEWSLETTER&nlsource=49&ppc=&utm_campaign=DIBSoup&utm_source=NL&utm_medium=newsletter&utm_term=aol.com

Where or where has my mind gone??!!

I am seriously losing my mind!!  Whoever says that you have to be pregnant to have symptoms, is freakin crazy.  I am so hormonal, crying, laughing, crying, mad....all of it...the worst is that Glee made me bawl like the baby i am waiting for...some cravings...but honestly the worst part of it is what i am doing to myself.  I am so ready for this to happen, and this waiting is killing me.  Of course my problem is minor compared to some problems people i care about are dealing with...and i don't want to whine about it...its worse because i work with this everyday!!  This kid would be perfect for me, that one would be perfect....arrrggghhhh....and because i work for the damn county, i have to wait.  I don't hear from anyone and it kills me....maybe i should have tried to get pregnant...i don't know.

i am really looking forward to this for another reason, i really need time off.  I realize that being off work with a child isn't the same as a vacation, but honestly it doesn't matter...i just wont be at work.    I am completely unhappy and unmotivated at work..  I thought the little break i had for thanksgiving might help...but it totally didn't.

The other part of this is that i hate this time of year...always have...and since it started early this year, its more time it has been in my face.  

Venting done.....

Parenthood Party!!

What a truly AWESOME day!!  Before I go any further, I want to say again to Darby and Cari, you guys rock....thank you so much for today...it was perfect!!!  You guys are the best...and feel blessed to have friends like you in my life....my future child will be lucky to have you as Auntie's.

Second to everyone who came today to share in this joyous and stressful event.  Your gifts will be used wisely i promise...it all makes the room more inviting for this child.  I had my mother there, who gave me a blanket that she made....a long time ago, when i was born.  She gave it to my niece and it has returned to me...I am truly thankful for my mother, and know that because of her I will follow in her foot steps and be a great mommy!!  Here is a pic of that beautiful blanket....

I had my second and third families there....and many great friends....we had great conversations, a lot of laughs, and all of you inspire me to be a great person, and an even better mother.

Here is a pic of the beautiful quilt that Barb B made for me....As soon as she heard about what i was doing she was on it...i am truly honored that she took the time to make this....

Here's a few more pics of all the stuff i had to find a place for....

And OMG Cari who is soooooo crafty, it makes me so jealous...made this cute diaper cake(great because now i have 3 sizes of diapers) btw those are "Mums" on it...hahaha...and the picture board which she also made...it will be an awesome addition to the room...

Finally my super cute new diaper bag...which has circles on it, which for some reason i am obsessed with.  And if you look closely at the straps on the car seat...it has monkeys on the straps...so cute...

(Sorry that all the pics are up here like this...but i cant quite figure out how to change it)

As for the actual process....this is is so grueling...and i wait every day for a call...and it hasn't come yet.  I had to decline children this week, a 4 yr old girl and her 1.5 yr old brother (yup..that's two at the same time)   But it seems that they were still looking at relatives for placement, and if i have some control over my risk of heartache...i will do so....i do feel guilty...and feel like i should just do it so that i can get on with it, and have the kid and figure out parenting...but then i want to hang in there and hope that the right child will find its way into my home.  Just because i decline children, doesn't make me lower on any list or anything, or hurt my chances of a child, so no worries there.

This week i had lunch with a bunch of people for a birthday (Happy birthday again Deb) and was talking with an adoptive mother.  She had her own children and decided to adopt from China.  That process is different then what i am doing, i was more curious about raising the child and how she feels about her.  She said that even though she didn't give birth to her, that child is hers and she would do anything for her.  she said that her hair is dyed black because her daughter wanted to know why her hair wasn't the same color.  She said that she doesn't feel any differently about her daughter than she does about her boys, and said that she thinks she is even more protective of her.  You could see in her eyes that she loves that little girl...and for me...that help me know that even though i wont be giving birth, that i will still be able to bond and love a child even though we have no biological connection.  Anyone can have a baby and be a mother, but it takes special people to be a mommy. 

Deb said today that they told the little girl that she didn't come from her mommy's tummy, but came from her heart....with that...good night...and thanx again to everyone...

Officially

As of October 19, I am officially a certified foster home.  I have the "certificate" to prove it.

I have to say, it appears having a baby is in the water...so many at the office are pregnant..which is awesome.  It is great when talking about kids, and i say that I am expecting, and people are shocked..LOL..The problem is that once everyone else gives birth they lose the weight, but not me...so i have to be careful...here is the question, am i technically "expecting"?  I guess I am, i just don't know when, what, or how old...

It has only been a week, but waiting already is difficult already.  Every time the phone rings and I miss it, i feel like i have to check it super fast because you never know.  I don't want to be a pain so i don't call the agency social worker.  The room is as done as it is going to be I think.

I am sure i will find plenty more to put in it.

That's it for now...will keep you all posted...

Its official...I think...

I saw my home study, sent it back, and i am assuming that it has been approved. 

So i had to turn down my first child last week.  Of course I felt guilty, but i know it is best for me and the child.  Poor little guy is almost 2, had 2 surgeries, and was going to need more.  I had told them before that i don't do well with medical stuff, but i think that they ask anyway.  Just hope that the calls keep coming...

I picked up the car seat today, and attempted to put it in the car just to see.  good thing i have a car seat expert in the family, but i can do it enough to be safe.  So i think i have everything i can by in advance. If you can think of anything i need to get...let me know...

So this weekend I made some art for the room.  It came out better than i thought it would.  Starting to think i may have a little creativity buried somewhere, with a little help from my friends.  So i haven't put them up yet but here is what i have.

I also have some jungle stickers to put up, and waiting for monkeys stickers to come so i can hang them in the tree.

Lots of baby talk everywhere....it must be in the water.  Only problem for me is that everyone is eating for two....and i cant use having a baby as an excuse...if i gain weight, i don't lose it when i have a baby...I will say it is a lot of fun to tell people i am having a baby...the double take is great...

I know that this waiting is going to be hard.  I have all this stuff, and frankly and ready...!!! 

And now.....

I wait...and wait...and wait....but once i am certified next week....i could get a call at any time that I have a baby waiting.....So think good thoughts for me....

So last week i met with the social worker last week, twice.  The first day was quite easy, a look around the house and a few questions, she was saving the "grilling" for the next day...So she comes back...and man....some of the questions she asked were obvious...the first questions he asked is how would you describe yourself....and i told her what i though, and in Jordonna fashion, as the two hour visit went on, things came up and i wanted her to make sure she put in question 1..LOL...then she asked how my friends would describe me...and off we went...as a social worker i now understand what my clients feel like.  I always take notes by hand because I am getting old and cant remember things, i take copious notes so that later on i can write up my chronos....Holy Crap....when someone is doing that while you are talking, it is so distracting, and i was TOTALLY intimidated..(hint..that doesn't happen very often).  I wanted to know what she was writing and if she was writing what i said or added things....so nerve racking.

So after all is said and done about 2 1/2 hours later...we wrap up...I asked her about how it was for her as a social worker to interview me, a social worker as an adoptive parent.  She actually thought that it was much easier for her because she doesn't have to explain every little detail for me.  We talked a lot about the county and how things work, and for a while it was like talking with a coworker, but that's what i am worried about. My social worker is going to have to be really good and bringing me back, and i have to make a conscious effort to be a parent.

We also discuss being Jewish, and that i didn't think that anyone would ask for a Jewish foster parent, but actually they did recently.  So as we discussed what raising a Jewish child in my home, it took me back to all those years of Sunday School and Hebrew School, my Bat Mitzvah, and i have always pictured that my child would have to do all of it,  because my parents made me...LOL...but it is actually very important to me, and so now I have to set out to find a synagogue that can meet the needs of my small family. 

In discussing what kind of child I would "take" i wanted to say a little white boy...but that would just make life easier for me, and of course i am open but part of me felt a little biased...which is funny because that is one of the things about social workers that drive me nuts...I know whatever child that comes into my life, i will love with all my heart, black, white or polka dot, I will be their mother, because I am the one who will change the dirty diapers, fix up their scraped knee, be told that they hate me when the are a teenager, and cry when they graduate high school....You get the picture...

So I spoke with the social worker about naming the child, of course i know that if they were in reunification i would have to use their given name, and at adoption i would be able to rename them, and that is what goes on the new birth certificate.  I am hoping that getting a baby, would make it so that i could chose a name.  Anyway i know all girls know the names of their children from age 5...but mine have changed over the years...so i took to the Internet..full well knowing that i may not get to chose the name....a few hours later, i have a few names that i like....and go figure they are boys names....cant come up with a girls name...so that probably means that's what i will get...LOL...

So the nursery is coming together slowly but nicely.  this past week my friend came over and drew the tree on the wall, and i painted it.  It looks awesome...better from far away....but that's my painting skills not her drawing skills...so here are a few pics of the room.

 

 

More pics to come....But now i am so frustrated, trying to do more than monkeys and for the life of me, haven't been able to find anything that doesn't cost $40 for two cardboard wall hangings...so i will continue...

Me...Obsess?? No Way....

Well tomorrow is day 1...the social worker from the agency is coming out to check my house, and then on Wednesday she will come back and interview me.  From there she writes a report, and then i am certified...so i am hoping i will be at least certified by Thanksgiving...then I wait....so my house is spotless...or as clean as it is going to get...

The room is slowly coming together....and i mean slowly...i did order the car seat...and got some awesome deals this weekend thanx to Aunt Darby and Uncle Cal...Trying to decide what else to get to put on the walls and make this room look good...though i am not getting any help...LOL

So reality is starting to set in....and i am having some doubts...not so much that i am not going to go thru with it...but enough that i went to Barnes and Noble today and looked at books about the first year and toddlers...of course i didn't know which to buy because i don't know what i will get...so i cant even study....i know i deal with kids everyday, and i should know things like, when they should be rolling over, and when to start regular food...but honestly....I have NO idea....and it is great that my family and friends think i am going to be a great mom....but...i am have serious doubts...on a good note...i have conquered the pack and play...set it up this weekend...no problem...

Anyway, the waiting is going to be difficult.  In my mind i am super excited and scared, as any parent is...but then the thought that they could be taken at any point...and so i obsess...as usual...

So think good thoughts for me....thanx to everyone for their support...love ya

Shower....or not?

So, I am still waiting....did first aid last week, so now i am officially done with paperwork and classes...at least for now...

As i wait, it gets more and more difficult.  My family and friends are so excited for me which is awesome, and of course they feel that a baby shower should take place.  Here is my thoughts...i get baby showers, but this is sooo much different.  People ask me all kinds of questions, of which...none i can answer...I don't know when, how old, boy or girl, or anything else...so how do you have a shower...and really i don't want to invite people to a party for my "child" and give presents and all that....As much as i fight this, i know i wont have a choice, and this will happen at some time or another.  Here is my dilemma, i don't want to have one, and then have to wait a year to have a child placed with me, or have one placed that possibly doesn't stay with me long term...I don't know...i am so torn...then people say wait til the adoption is final...and i would plan on some kind of party for that, but not a shower...and it could be a few years down the road...

I don't know.  I still like the idea that my friend and i had...An OMG, what the heck have i done shower....LOL...

The next step....

Wow...it is becoming more and more real...I now have a room, that has been painted and a crib that has dust ruffle and everything.  i have to say, i really like it.  The monkeys are so cute...and as it turns out it matches the wall great.  I think the next step is that i( when i say that, i mean someone else) is going to paint a mural on the wall...thinking a tree in the corner and the branches go out over the crib with monkeys hanging...or something like that. I still don't know what to get to be prepared since i don't know what age of child i am going to get.  I have to say it is a little frustrating...but sure it will be fine...

So now it appears to be the waiting game.  I have turned in all my paperwork...(minus first aid, which i am doing on Thursday because i didn't realize i needed to take it with CPR). Now...i wait, they are going to get my file together send it to the main office in Davis, then send it back to the woman who does the certification, who will call to set up times for the home study.

Its weird...priorities are changing, even though it could be a year before i get a child...and even at that point, i could have a child for a year, and something happens, and it is taken from me.  Of course i know this, and knew this going into it.  This is really the only way for me to be able to adopt, so really...i have no choice.  I have thought about it, and really that's why i haven't done foster care, because I am not sure that i can handle that....or that i want to handle it. just have to think about it...i know that this will change...and what about family and friends...sigh....and of course, i am sure every soon to be mother does, i doubt myself and  my abilities as a mother.  It is fairly easy for me to go to work, and see other people's children, be great with them and such..but then i give them back (most of the time) its different when its mine or that i am responsible for it,  and i need to know when to start real food, what to do for a teething baby, or as i have seen in recent weeks how to open a stupid pack and play.  I feel like i need to go back to high school and take the class where i had to have eggs to carry around as a baby for a week.  BTW when i did that I had twin eggs...LOL..but now they have dolls that are like real...i have always thought it is good for teens, but maybe i need it too...

here is a pic of the crib for those of you who haven't seen it...



A few bruises...

So this weekend i had a fight with the Pack and Play....it won initially...i won't lie....and i have a few bruises to show for it....but...i will say....in the end....I kicked it's butt!!!  After calling my mother to say i am going to be a horrible mother because i couldnt open the stupid thing and maybe even a tear or two (don't tell anyone)....i was not giving up...and i didn't....and i won..so there...so a few hours later i had to make sure it wasn't a fluke, and went back and did it again. I am sure there will be a few more times....

Holy Crap...

So I am in the final stages before the home study...i can't even believe it....Waiting on the last of the paperwork to be done...turn it in...and then i wait....hoping to be certified by the end of the year...and i heard that there are a lot of babies coming through, so that's good for me....

So today i picked up the crib...
http://www.walmart.com/ip/Graco-Lauren-4in1-Crib-White/11081894
Now I get to put it together....yeah...Not....

So i decided that i am not going to paint the room myself....hehehe...my neighbors boyfriend is going to and believe it is well worth the money...except i have to clean out the room...ick...that's the worst part...i keep putting it off too....i don't know why...i think i still am working on the being ok with sitting with an empty room...and lots of rearranging...i know it needs to be done soon..i am trying to do a little each night....

So yesterday i spent all morning at Kaiser, i think i even visited every department, doctor, pharmacy, lab and medical secretaries...yup  you heard it right...So lets see...first of all the labs these days move quick...all the test results were done by this morning...I have a huge bruise where they took blood, a very sore arm because they convinced me to get the whooping cough/tetanus shot, and i have to go back tomorrow to get my TB test read....But i looked over the results of the test...and i am shocked, but there is nothing wrong with me..!!!( OK nothing that you can tell by running tests on blood or pee...lol)  I always make things worse in my head...so...i am shocked...

I am excited but now starting to get a little scared....Of course i know i can handle other peoples kids...that's because i know either i can give them back, or i leave work and they aren't my issue...but this baby is going to rely on me...and only me...which is even scarier...of course then i think about the foster care part of it...can i handle it??  I guess its time to strap in and see....Anyway....we will see....still looking forward to it...of course check with me after i get a baby...and then see...hehehe....

I finally decided...

Just bought this today...The set..not the crib....

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002Y3IIXW/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&seller=

Super cute....Monkeys..Monkeys..Monkeys...

I am at step 5...

That's according to the trainer....So this weekend i spent both days sitting in a pre-certification class..I made it thru...Did learn some things i didn't know about foster care licensing..Like every kid gets $1 for their age each week for allowance.  So a 15 year old gets $60 a month!!  I don't remember every getting that...I also learned a some great parenting tips...the best one...if a child doesn't want to take a bath, get a glow stick, turn off the lights, and put it the water!!  How brilliant...

There was an interesting group of people in my training class...a mother and daughter, a woman who already is a foster parent, but her bf was moving in so she came with him, 2 other couples, all looking at foster care, and then me...and another single guy who has adopted 2 kids before...By the end of today we were all chatting and swapping stories and such....so that was the best part of the training..

So back the dilemma of social work vs parent always seems to take over.  I make a conscious effort to give input as a social worker, as well as ask questions as a parent.  Today most of the people admitted that what i did share was valuable to the class...so at least i know it was helpful..I have always had a problem sitting still, so i was on the move most of the day, which was fine...but by today i have to admit i was bored.  I knew what the class was going to be about, and was dreading it, but glad i could get over in 2 days..she discussed my job, and the children and families i deal with on a daily basis..its funny, i love my job, my clients and such...but when you are on the other side and they say that they want you to be open to talking, interacting, keeping in contact with the birth parents, i actually had to stop and think about it...i think i have a leg up because i know how to deal with these parents, and maybe i can be a support to them...but then selfishly as a parent, i would like to be done with them.  Then, the thought crossed my mind, after i get the child, i still have to go to work and deal with the same kind of people that my child came from..The one guy who has adopted before said before finalizing adoption on his now 11 year old, that the other two families that had his siblings agreed to continue visits.  Sad enough, they only see them once or twice a year because the other families want nothing to do with it.  For me, siblings are a no brainer...of course keeping in contact with them is beneficial for the child...but as a infant, i think it may be different...just some thoughts...

A lot of people don't understand that i will get placement of a child, at that time they are a foster child, and at the same time they are planning for permanency, they are also working on reunification with the birth family.  So, there is a chance that i get a child, and they end up going back to their family, or that a family member will show up 6 months in and legally has to be assessed for placement.  This is the only bad part of this, and I know this, knew this when i got into, and i seem to be obsessing about it more and more and even struggling a bit.

So the trainer, who also is the one who certifies my home, said that she has had parents on a list for a year waiting for an infant..this took a little of the wind out of my sail.  I have been struggling with getting the room together for a week or so now.  A wise person...*wink* told me that i need to be OK with a room ready for a child, even if it sits empty for a year....i am ready to do this, whole heartedly....but then moving all the stuff out of my office, finding room for things, the painting(if anyone wants to help..let me know..i hate painting) and getting things together...but she is right, i need to do this, and be OK with it...and maybe once i actually start moving things, and figuring out the layout and buying the crib and such that it will be a little different...i am super excited...but i feel that I am trying not to get too excited, and over react now...that way if something happens, or doesn't for a while, that i don't get hurt.  My friends and family have been super supportive and that has helped...i guess this is something i have to work out myself...but realize this is almost the same as if i was having the baby myself...and the room has to be fixed and you have to wait until it arrives...

So next step is physical and CPR...once those are done then we can move on to the home study, though she has a back log.  I have appts for both at the beginning of next month...so we will see...

Done boring you for the night!!

Wow....

Seen on another mommy page...Love it!!!

An adoptive mom will not gain any pregnancy pounds. I walked into my first pediatric visit with our first two day old son, the doctor took one look at me, and said “you did not just give birth to that baby.” I will savor that moment, especially on days like today when I’ve had too much chocolate.

So yesterday the adoption SW came and did a "pre cert" visit.  It was the weirdest thing to show someone my house, i mean i am usually the one asking to see the house...hehe...i even asked her if she wanted to see my fridge, but then i said that i didn't think she cared if i was eating...LOL...

Getting more and more excited...started planning the room, and stuff with my friend...she is soooo funny...super excited...i am trying to be cautious...also i don't even know how old the child will be or anything...but i think this could happen by the end of the year!!!  That's crazy....

The beginning

So, I have decided to start a blog…..and before you ask, there will be no poems, or songs or anything else, just my true and honest feelings, and I guarantee a little…ok a lot…of humor thrown in. Who knows maybe I will end up having some words of wisdom on mommy hood…anything is possible…This blog is for me, my family, friends and even my future child, to document the road to motherhood, my way..

I am embarking on a long, tedious, scary, exciting journey…adoption…I have decided that I am not getting any younger, and have not been______(you fill in the word) with the love of my life, so its time to take my life into my own hands. Now I could attempt to get pregnant in other ways, and I considered it, but being a social worker and working in the system I know how many kids are born everyday to parents who can’t care for them. I feel like I have so much to give, and I am not so worried if they are biologically mine, and honestly stretch marks, weight gain and actually giving birth, don’t sound so exciting to me. Believe me I didn’t come to this decision easily. I had even started this process a few years ago, but at that point in my life, I guess I wasn’t ready. A few things have changed for me, (1) My baby brother and his wonderful wife brought my little niece Allie into the world, and (2) I realized I am almost 40!! LOL

I know that choosing to be a single mother may not be the best decision, but either way I feel like I am strong, have a great support system, and can make it work. I mean, I see it everyday that others who have a lot less then me, do make it work…OK…by the time they get to me, sometimes they aren’t, but lets think positively. In April, when I was visiting my family in Vegas, I was chasing around my 6 year old cousin Aidan at the park, while my wonderful parents and aunt…watched and laughed at me. It was at that point that I realized I was having a hard time keeping up with him, and that if I waited any longer, I wouldn’t be able to keep up with my kid…

So I am in the beginning stages of the process which is fos/adopt. This means that I will have a child placed in my home who is still a foster child. It could be a really easy process or could be a difficult one, including having a child in my home, and then they reunify with their bio parents. I have sat down and discussed what I am looking for, a baby boy, (though if they call me at 3am with a girl I wont turn her away). I have paid my obnoxious amount for my 3 sets of fingerprints…I wonder how many times I have them done…anyway…going to the 2 day pre-certification class, which I am actually nervous about. Not because of what they will talk about, because frankly they are going to mostly talk about what I do everyday, but that I won’t be able to keep my mouth shut (I know mom that this is hereditary) and being able to put aside my knowledge and training as a social worker, and be a mother. I still have to sign up for a CPR class, and a physical.

This is just the beginning….so I am strapped in, and ready for the ride…