As I sit here, waiting for 2:00 to come, I have so many emotions. I sign these papers today for the adoption, they get filed with the court, and I will have a finalization court date in the next two weeks, I hope. I am scared to death. I know I have done okay up until now, but I guess I always knew there was an out, by doing this, it is final. Of course I never ever thought of getting out, but it was always there. As of today I don't receive foster care money for him, and that means a lot of things. They will officially terminate dependency at court, but now I can give him medication when he needs and not have to log it, I can go to the doctor and not have them sign any paperwork for the social worker, there will be no more social worker visits, and of course he will officially have my name. I am going to keep my home study and foster care license up to date in case I decide to do this again, or he has a sibling, or I go completely crazy. LOL.
I now get the mother thing...I mean I have worked with kids and parents since I can remember, I give parenting advice everyday to clients, I have worked in group homes, but being responsible for a human being, all by myself, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week....is no joke. I look at him, and think that I have done a decent job so far. We were talking about how much your environment actually makes a difference in kids. I often sit and wonder where he would be if I hadn't been given the opportunity to be his mom. Would he be crawling, trying to walk, have such a great low key personality?? I don't know. I do believe that the environment a child grows up makes a huge difference in their development, and seeing where he is, it makes me feel good to know that I have had a hand in that. I know that there are things genetically that I can't change, but I am going to do my best with the things that I can change.
It makes me sad that one day, when he asks about his bio parents, that I can only give him the info on her. We have no info on the father, except a pretty common first name. He will have great men in his life, but he will never know that biological part of him, which makes me sad for him. I also worry about raising a boy, but not only that, but an African American boy. I can talk to people, and surround him with people, but I don't have that point of view. I worry that he will have regrets, or be angry with me because he is stuck with his single, white, Jewish mother. I know that every parent has worries, and its normal, but it still bugs me.
So the papers are signed. The next step is the adoption worker from my agency will come out on Tuesday to have me sign a few more papers, and then she will go straight to court to file them. She said that she filed for one this week and it was 3 weeks out, but then last week was only 2 weeks. Of course that falls right smack dab in the middle of my friends vacation...and it is important to me that they be at court. I will wait until next week to see what the court gives me. After that, its final...so crazy..I got a stack of paper about the baby, medical stuff (which i already knew since i have taken him since birth) and the info they have on the egg donor. Interesting I have to say, Jace has adult siblings, one as old as 25, there are 3 boys and 3 girls. So the county will look into siblings and see if anyone wants contact. I hope so, but we will see. They did include a a picture of the egg donor, and the best thing is, that it is her mug shot. I dont know why I find that funny or I am surprised, but it was. The pic was taken a month after he was born.
I did ask about posting pics, and we all decided that since he is still a dependent of the court, I should wait...sorry!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
The end is near....
So the end of this whole process is almost over. I am scared and elated all at the same time. I have been waiting for this, and am hoping this will happen. We have our last meeting on the 28th where we all sit around a table and sign paperwork. I am hoping I will get more info about him, his bio family and anything else...but I am not holding my breath. From there the paperwork is filed with the court, and I can pick a day for finalization. I will say that his original birth certificate had his name spelled wrong, so it had to be fixed. As of now, as far as i know it hasn't been change, which will hold this up. Part of the problem in all of this is that the county worker is actually a supervisor who apparently doesn't know how to do things So, I am hoping that this will happen by mid July, and then we can celebrate. Of course a few of my closest friends will be out of town the last two weeks of the month, so i have to hope that it really does happen. I am really looking forward to having all of his paperwork in the only name he has ever known, and that his last name is the same as mine. I hate signing paperwork and having the other name there to remind me everyday. I still take him to the same doctor he has had since day one, and they call him the other name, even though they know the situation, and i even have said that he doesn't know that name.
I have a lot of emotions about this coming to an end. First, there is no turning back which is scary. Of course I would never do that, but it will no longer be an option. I guess I am worried that I will be a crappy parent, and will screw him up one way or another, and he will regret that I am his mom. I am sure that won't happen, but that is one of my biggest fears. Of course I have great role models in my life, but I have chosen to do this on my own, of course its not what I had planned, but this is the way it worked out. And today being father's day, I do feel a little guilty about how not having a father will affect him later on in life, but I know if i surround him with positive, good people he will turn out fine.
I don't know if i am now more sensitive to the whole adoption thing, or what, but i seem to be getting a lot of cases of adoptive parents. So here is my beef, why does it have to say anywhere that it is an adoptive parent?? I am his mother, have been since day 3, and I am all he knows. When he starts talking, he will call me mom, not adoptive mom, he will have my name, he will only know me as "Mom." Adoptive parents are mom and dad, and that's the bottom line. Just because I didn't give birth to him, doesn't mean that for the rest of my life, i should have adoptive in front of my name. Don't get me wrong, it is important to me that he knows he is adopted, but that's for me to decide when that time comes. So he goes to school and some one says something about me being his adoptive mother, that's no body's right to say that or tell him that, but me. Someone asked me if i took him to the doctor and the medical issues he could have had, are there, even though I have been told that he is in the clear, what would I do. I didn't even have to think about it, nothing...make sure he gets whatever he needs, because he is my child. Okay, i am now done with my rant, not even sure it makes sense since i am so tired...but there it is...
I have quite a few people in my life trying to have children, and are having difficulties. It kills me, and I find myself not knowing what to say. I remember while i was waiting, everyone said, it would happen when it was meant to, blah blah blah blah...of course it did and i couldn't be happier, but I wish i knew what to say. I understand the waiting part of it, but it is so unfair. I wouldn't have this adorable baby if it weren't for screw ups, but my friends are good people, and deserve to have a child of their own, meanwhile I wouldn't be surprised if Jace's egg donor was pregnant again. It is so frustrating, unfair and upsetting that they have to go to such through so much to have a child, meanwhile the people who cant care for the children they birth, seem to be able to have children with no problems. It just sucks, and I hope that the more time they spend with Jace, the more good baby vibes they get.
I want to say happy father's day to my father, and my brother. Two great men in my life, who will be there to help my child become a great man. Will keep you posted...bottles are made, lunch is packed, baby is asleep...and now it is time for me to try to sleep...
I have a lot of emotions about this coming to an end. First, there is no turning back which is scary. Of course I would never do that, but it will no longer be an option. I guess I am worried that I will be a crappy parent, and will screw him up one way or another, and he will regret that I am his mom. I am sure that won't happen, but that is one of my biggest fears. Of course I have great role models in my life, but I have chosen to do this on my own, of course its not what I had planned, but this is the way it worked out. And today being father's day, I do feel a little guilty about how not having a father will affect him later on in life, but I know if i surround him with positive, good people he will turn out fine.
I don't know if i am now more sensitive to the whole adoption thing, or what, but i seem to be getting a lot of cases of adoptive parents. So here is my beef, why does it have to say anywhere that it is an adoptive parent?? I am his mother, have been since day 3, and I am all he knows. When he starts talking, he will call me mom, not adoptive mom, he will have my name, he will only know me as "Mom." Adoptive parents are mom and dad, and that's the bottom line. Just because I didn't give birth to him, doesn't mean that for the rest of my life, i should have adoptive in front of my name. Don't get me wrong, it is important to me that he knows he is adopted, but that's for me to decide when that time comes. So he goes to school and some one says something about me being his adoptive mother, that's no body's right to say that or tell him that, but me. Someone asked me if i took him to the doctor and the medical issues he could have had, are there, even though I have been told that he is in the clear, what would I do. I didn't even have to think about it, nothing...make sure he gets whatever he needs, because he is my child. Okay, i am now done with my rant, not even sure it makes sense since i am so tired...but there it is...
I have quite a few people in my life trying to have children, and are having difficulties. It kills me, and I find myself not knowing what to say. I remember while i was waiting, everyone said, it would happen when it was meant to, blah blah blah blah...of course it did and i couldn't be happier, but I wish i knew what to say. I understand the waiting part of it, but it is so unfair. I wouldn't have this adorable baby if it weren't for screw ups, but my friends are good people, and deserve to have a child of their own, meanwhile I wouldn't be surprised if Jace's egg donor was pregnant again. It is so frustrating, unfair and upsetting that they have to go to such through so much to have a child, meanwhile the people who cant care for the children they birth, seem to be able to have children with no problems. It just sucks, and I hope that the more time they spend with Jace, the more good baby vibes they get.
I want to say happy father's day to my father, and my brother. Two great men in my life, who will be there to help my child become a great man. Will keep you posted...bottles are made, lunch is packed, baby is asleep...and now it is time for me to try to sleep...
Friday, June 8, 2012
Come and gone...
So my 21st birthday has come and gone...ok, maybe it was my 39th, but either way the countdown begins...in 359 days, I will no longer be in my 30s. Wow...People tell me all the time I don't look my age, which is great, but some days, more now than before, I feel every one of those years...plus another 20. I get what people say about motherhood, it ages you for sure. Of course I wouldn't change a thing.
Originally I thought that the adoption would be finalized by now, but guess what...the "worker" apparently is out, but he doesn't know what paperwork to fill out. The other thing is that when the baby was born, and given a name, it was spelled wrong on the birth certificate. So that won't slow down the meeting we are supposed to have next week. (If we don't, that man is going to hear from me) but if they don't get it fixed, we can't finalize. All I can say is if that has not been done already, he will REALLY hear from me. I think people wonder why the finalization is such a big deal, I mean really he is my kid, has been since day 3, and I don't need anything in writing to say different. But we want to have a big ol party, which his Auntie has already started planning, and I want to be able to change his name everywhere. Every day I go to day care to sign him in and out, and it is under his bio name...I get things in the mail regarding him, the reports that my social worker writes has that name. I really look forward to the day, that I can see Jace Hornstein on everything.
We are taking the baby camping this weekend. The first time we went, he was 6 months and not moving as much, so this should be interesting. I will be bringing the Pack and Play for him to sleep in, but I have a feeling he will be spending more time in there, LOL. We will get to go swimming and spend time with his Auntie and Uncle's dog Brody, and be outdoors, all are a few of his favorite things. I had to start at least putting things out on Monday so I don't forget anything. Of course I am a planner and I always over pack, so I had to give myself time to take out and put in. My worry is that I am going to forget something important for myself, like underwear...hahaha...
Originally I thought that the adoption would be finalized by now, but guess what...the "worker" apparently is out, but he doesn't know what paperwork to fill out. The other thing is that when the baby was born, and given a name, it was spelled wrong on the birth certificate. So that won't slow down the meeting we are supposed to have next week. (If we don't, that man is going to hear from me) but if they don't get it fixed, we can't finalize. All I can say is if that has not been done already, he will REALLY hear from me. I think people wonder why the finalization is such a big deal, I mean really he is my kid, has been since day 3, and I don't need anything in writing to say different. But we want to have a big ol party, which his Auntie has already started planning, and I want to be able to change his name everywhere. Every day I go to day care to sign him in and out, and it is under his bio name...I get things in the mail regarding him, the reports that my social worker writes has that name. I really look forward to the day, that I can see Jace Hornstein on everything.
We are taking the baby camping this weekend. The first time we went, he was 6 months and not moving as much, so this should be interesting. I will be bringing the Pack and Play for him to sleep in, but I have a feeling he will be spending more time in there, LOL. We will get to go swimming and spend time with his Auntie and Uncle's dog Brody, and be outdoors, all are a few of his favorite things. I had to start at least putting things out on Monday so I don't forget anything. Of course I am a planner and I always over pack, so I had to give myself time to take out and put in. My worry is that I am going to forget something important for myself, like underwear...hahaha...
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