Glee

So as i sat bawling my eyes out watching Glee, I realized that I really haven't had time to deal with my own feelings, about me.  My birthday has come up quick.. and before i know it...next June will be here and i will be...GASP...40..Of course this year i have something i didn't last year...but I am still lonely.  I look at all of my friends that are married, and i know that there are ups and downs...and all that...but i want that...so this is another birthday that I am "alone."  At least in that sense...Don't get me wrong, i love being a mother, and love that baby more than anything...but it would be so great to come home and have someone to talk to, or have someone get up in the middle of the night just once...or, and this would be the best, clean my house!! I know that life doesn't really work out for anyone like they planned...but i really thought by 40, i would at least have someone.  It has been awhile, and i can blame it on a million things, but really I don't know why, and its not a good feeling.  It makes me sad because my parents have been married for 42 years, and I wont be able to have that..Now this may have something to do with the lack of sleep from the last 7 and a half months, or my birthday or what....but i guess this is also the feelings of a true single mother...

So now it is off to sleep...I hope!!

Morphing

It has happened, i think i am turning into my mother.  And i am sure it will only get worse from here.  Today, when the stupid cat (who i was already mad at for dumping his clean liter box) was howling at the baby gate because he needed me right that second to open the gate, I yelled Jace.  LOL...My mother, and my grandmother would always go through every one's name until they get to the right one...including the animals....Then later i called the baby Diezel...so there it is...like i said as he gets older, i know it will get worse, and one day i will wake up and everything i say will remind me of my mom.  Now of course i think she did a pretty good job,  and for the most part it wouldn't be a bad thing...but i swore it would never happen.  Obviously things change when you have your own, and have little to no sleep!

This child is growing so quickly, and gaining weight too.  I picked him up this morning and felt a few more pounds on him.  LOL..yesterday i go to pick the baby up from day care, and the teacher said "he is so bored in here."  He is in the infant class, and they move up to toddlers when they turn 1.  He is now one of the older kids in the room, and besides his girlfriend, there is one other girl who comes, the rest are young, and don' do much of anything as he did when he started there.  Besides his girlfriend who turns 1 next week, and technically should move up.. he is going to be lost...still not sure if that will happen that way.  So again i go to pick him up today, and again she says...he is soooo bored.  So his teacher and one of the toddler teachers spoke with the director, and said as long as i am ok with it, they will send him to the toddler class for a little bit during the day.  So this means he will be in a room with 1-2 year olds, all of which are walking.  This is going to be great for him, but i know this means he will walk even sooner.  He wont be in there all day, but he is only 7 1/2 months.  Every time i walk into that day care, another one of the teachers has a story about him.  It cracks me up.  The other thing that the teacher said is that babies usually don't play together but Jace and his girlfriend actually play together.  Sooo cute.  On Monday i dropped him off, and his girl came over and they touched noses..OMG so freaking cute...

So my social worker comes to see me on Wed, and says she thought of me...they got a 2 month old baby girl in, and is already at the hearing to terminate parental rights.  Is she serious?????  Of course i said no....holy crap, i am not sleeping thru the night as it is...don't think, i mean i know i couldn't handle it right now..

No other news on adoption day...hoping soon!!  I had a good mother's day, low key..hung out at my parents...and he even clapped during If your happy and you know it...the school had the kids do handprints...and the best gift was from Darby and Calvin...its a necklace, it has a heart on it, says choosen and his name...I love it....i wear it all the time...and it means the world to me...can't wait til this is over...

Come and Gone...

So the 60 days for appeal is up, and so is an extra week.  So I think he should officially be a "legal orphan."  Of course he is far from being an orphan...but in the eyes of the law...thats the way it is.  So now there is supposed to be one more meeting, i think to sign paperwork and such to file with the court to adopt.  I haven't heard anything, and i kind of wish they would move things forward.  I realize at this point it really doesn't make a difference for them, or me for that matter.  He is my son, has been for the last 7 months, and will be for the rest of our lives, but I am ready for it to be legal, which means it is over.  I can get a new birth certificate that says he is legally a Hornstein, finally get a Medi-Cal card with the right name on it, and attempt to find out if he has a social security number. 

I am watching this little being turn into a child.  I watch him crawl around the room, so fast he gets caught up and falls.  I watch him pull himself up to stand on EVERYTHING, including me.  Today he stepped up on one of his toys to get to the table!!  I said i thought he would walk by 10 months, now i think it could be earlier, what the heck???  And while i believe that some of these things happen when they do because of genetics (though i think it is the meth..LOL) I also feel like i can take some credit for this, for the people i surround him with, encouraging him, pushing him that little extra to be independent, and really just for loving him....who cares that I am single, that i have to work, and he goes to day care full time, or that i am broke all the time.I love him, and he loves me...it think its as simple as that.....His laugh brings me joy, and as i come up on my first mother's day, I get it....get the enormity of what i am doing, what being a mother and a father are, and the love you have for your child, biological or otherwise...I love that kid....<3