My birthday is coming up, just another reminder that I am getting older, not married and have no kids. I took two days off for it, though I don't know why. I am going to get a massage for the first time on my birthday and Friday, my friend and I are going to the coast, which will be awesome. I haven't been out there in so long. Of course I can't remember the last time I had weather like this around my birthday. Weird...
So I have been really frustrated with this whole adoption thing. So it seems that maybe because I work for the county I have a few more options available to me to advocate for myself within the county. I have been talking and talking about doing something, and being very angry, but haven't taken the next step. It just seemed too big to conquer. But with some coaxing, I decided that I was ready to jump in and see what happens. With the help of Darby, we wrote an "official" letter stating what my problem was and what were they going to do about it. I made an appointment with my program manager. I met with her Friday, gave her the letter and waited. My PM and I go back awhile, and have a fairly good relationship, so I wasn't really worried. The first thing she said to me was, "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were going through this." She knew that I was waiting for a placement, but all this other stuff I hadn't really talked to her about. So we talked for about half hour or so, and I told her I felt discriminated against. I can protect the children of the county, but because I do that I can't have a child in my home. I feel like I did a good job of keeping my emotions out of it. I discussed with her that I have not been able to find a written policy regarding specifically adoption. If there is I want to know how can I appeal it, or what are they going to do to resolve the conflict. If a social worker had a CPS referral called in, they would send it to another county to investigate, so why can't they do that with this.
After some discussion, she said that she knows that people within the county and surrounding counties are working on policies to work together, but it sounds like it is in the first stages. She agreed to speak to someone in the adoption program, as well as county counsel to discuss legally what we can do. So this is where I am, ready to fight the fight. We will see what happens, and what the next step should be.
The funny part of all of this, I am freaked out even more, because this actually could work and I may have a child in my house sooner...but I am ready, I want to be able to start shopping, and taking pics to put up.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
heartbreak...
I had planned to write this the other night, but had something come up...but here goes anyway...
So 2 weeks ago my agency worker called and asked me if i wanted to go to the adoption picnic. Those words just make me cringe. I have heard about them, and swore i would never participate in one..EVER..as a parent or a social worker. Well, now i feel like i don't have a choice, I want a child. So for those of you that don't know, this picnic is basically to put kids on parade, wrapped in a fun, lets have a party way.
So before the event we get an e mail, with about a page long of rules. You either had to bring a snack or drinks. So my half of the alphabet had to bring drinks. So i stop the night before and look at the juice boxes because i didn't want to bring soda, i wanted to be a good parent. So i picked up something "healthy" the night before. On Thursday i drive off to the park where the event is being held, find a parking spot 12 miles away. I sit in the car for a few minutes to gather myself. I already have a bad taste for this thing, so I was trying to be as positive as i could, but it wasn't working. I walk up to register, and see a social worker i recognize but can't remember from where. I get my name tag, red and white are kids with their names, ages and siblings, blue and white are parents, also with their name and their partners, and then neon green are social workers and others. So like a good girl i put on the name tag, and sign up to work a few things, bubbles and parachute. At least i could have a little fun. So i walk off to find my worker. She introduces me to the only other adoptive family, a gay male couple. I loved them, and had a blast with them, more about that in a second. So we were talking with the social worker and all of sudden she was unsteady and then said she couldn't see. So the guys and i took her over to a table, got her some juice, ice on her neck...one of the guys called 911...but she felt better and we cancelled it. She called the agency to have someone come get her. The three of us were a little rattled i think, but one nice social worker from another agency said she would help us. So we started out orientation at 1130, before the kids got there. I was semi listening, but I wasn't the only one. The kids that would be at the picnic are "hard to place" which means siblings and older kids. So i am distracted by the super cute sibling set of 3 walking up, and then another. So the person in charge said that they had 73 families signed up to be at the picnic, which is 145 people. During this time there are already parents playing with kids, kind of getting a jump start i guess. After all that, pizza is delivered and it is on. I didn't feel like pizza, so i just stood around. I have to say that if it weren't for the other two guys, i would have been standing there by myself. I felt like i was their little puppy. Meanwhile my negative thoughts got worse. Anyway, so 140 plus social workers, there were 200 adults, as it turned out, there was only 25ish kids.
So after all the kids ate, they announced a sack race, which i so was not in the mood for. But of course if a kid needed a partner I would have done it. The guys were asked, and the 11 year old girl did you are not it, and chose her partner and off they went. There were only three sets of people, but we all yelled and cheered. Here is the thing, these kids know what these picnic's are about, especially the older ones. This is not their first time at these things, and this is what makes me sick. So its time to work our stations I get to mine and there are 6 or 7 adults playing. So me and the guys start walking around, we felt so awkward and uncomfortable. So you walk up to the kids of course everyone wants little ones so there are a ton of people there. One of the guys said he felt like he was lurking, and it felt creepy. Just as we come up to a sibling set of 3 boys, 6, 4 and 2. We tried to interact, but when they are surrounded by 15 adults. I didn't want to freak them out, they didn't need that many people. So once you get the chance, throw the ball the little one, he misses it, another adult picks up the ball, and that's your interaction. After awhile i gave up, it was horrifying for me to even watch.
So I was going to leave and i ended up talking with another agency worker from my agency who came later. I introduced myself and she said that she had seen my name and had several placements for me in the last 7 months, but because of my job, i couldn't take them. She said that most of the out of county kids she has are teenagers. The more we talk the more depressed, disgusted, sad and angry i got. I decided to leave early and since i had some clients to see i figured i would go. I walked the 12 miles back to my car, locked the door and cried. The whole experience was exactly what i thought it would be and then on top of it talking to that social worker, and knowing that i could have had a child long ago, and that i could be waiting for who knows how long, i just couldn't handle it. After about 10 minutes i composed myself and went to save the children of Sacramento.
So here is the bottom line, i am fine to be a social worker in Sacramento county, and do my job to keep the children safe, but because of that job, i can't be a parent. Nobody can produce a written document that says i cant have a Sacramento kid, but everyone says it can't happen. There are so many kids that need a good home, I have a job, and because of that job, which by the way is not always glamorous, i cant have a child in my home. So what do i do? If you ask my mom, she says get pregnant, everyone says it will happen when it was meant to happen...well...it needs to happen. I knew being a social worker was going to be difficult during this process because i know too much, but i guess i didn't really think that my job would keep me from having a child...
So 2 weeks ago my agency worker called and asked me if i wanted to go to the adoption picnic. Those words just make me cringe. I have heard about them, and swore i would never participate in one..EVER..as a parent or a social worker. Well, now i feel like i don't have a choice, I want a child. So for those of you that don't know, this picnic is basically to put kids on parade, wrapped in a fun, lets have a party way.
So before the event we get an e mail, with about a page long of rules. You either had to bring a snack or drinks. So my half of the alphabet had to bring drinks. So i stop the night before and look at the juice boxes because i didn't want to bring soda, i wanted to be a good parent. So i picked up something "healthy" the night before. On Thursday i drive off to the park where the event is being held, find a parking spot 12 miles away. I sit in the car for a few minutes to gather myself. I already have a bad taste for this thing, so I was trying to be as positive as i could, but it wasn't working. I walk up to register, and see a social worker i recognize but can't remember from where. I get my name tag, red and white are kids with their names, ages and siblings, blue and white are parents, also with their name and their partners, and then neon green are social workers and others. So like a good girl i put on the name tag, and sign up to work a few things, bubbles and parachute. At least i could have a little fun. So i walk off to find my worker. She introduces me to the only other adoptive family, a gay male couple. I loved them, and had a blast with them, more about that in a second. So we were talking with the social worker and all of sudden she was unsteady and then said she couldn't see. So the guys and i took her over to a table, got her some juice, ice on her neck...one of the guys called 911...but she felt better and we cancelled it. She called the agency to have someone come get her. The three of us were a little rattled i think, but one nice social worker from another agency said she would help us. So we started out orientation at 1130, before the kids got there. I was semi listening, but I wasn't the only one. The kids that would be at the picnic are "hard to place" which means siblings and older kids. So i am distracted by the super cute sibling set of 3 walking up, and then another. So the person in charge said that they had 73 families signed up to be at the picnic, which is 145 people. During this time there are already parents playing with kids, kind of getting a jump start i guess. After all that, pizza is delivered and it is on. I didn't feel like pizza, so i just stood around. I have to say that if it weren't for the other two guys, i would have been standing there by myself. I felt like i was their little puppy. Meanwhile my negative thoughts got worse. Anyway, so 140 plus social workers, there were 200 adults, as it turned out, there was only 25ish kids.
So after all the kids ate, they announced a sack race, which i so was not in the mood for. But of course if a kid needed a partner I would have done it. The guys were asked, and the 11 year old girl did you are not it, and chose her partner and off they went. There were only three sets of people, but we all yelled and cheered. Here is the thing, these kids know what these picnic's are about, especially the older ones. This is not their first time at these things, and this is what makes me sick. So its time to work our stations I get to mine and there are 6 or 7 adults playing. So me and the guys start walking around, we felt so awkward and uncomfortable. So you walk up to the kids of course everyone wants little ones so there are a ton of people there. One of the guys said he felt like he was lurking, and it felt creepy. Just as we come up to a sibling set of 3 boys, 6, 4 and 2. We tried to interact, but when they are surrounded by 15 adults. I didn't want to freak them out, they didn't need that many people. So once you get the chance, throw the ball the little one, he misses it, another adult picks up the ball, and that's your interaction. After awhile i gave up, it was horrifying for me to even watch.
So I was going to leave and i ended up talking with another agency worker from my agency who came later. I introduced myself and she said that she had seen my name and had several placements for me in the last 7 months, but because of my job, i couldn't take them. She said that most of the out of county kids she has are teenagers. The more we talk the more depressed, disgusted, sad and angry i got. I decided to leave early and since i had some clients to see i figured i would go. I walked the 12 miles back to my car, locked the door and cried. The whole experience was exactly what i thought it would be and then on top of it talking to that social worker, and knowing that i could have had a child long ago, and that i could be waiting for who knows how long, i just couldn't handle it. After about 10 minutes i composed myself and went to save the children of Sacramento.
So here is the bottom line, i am fine to be a social worker in Sacramento county, and do my job to keep the children safe, but because of that job, i can't be a parent. Nobody can produce a written document that says i cant have a Sacramento kid, but everyone says it can't happen. There are so many kids that need a good home, I have a job, and because of that job, which by the way is not always glamorous, i cant have a child in my home. So what do i do? If you ask my mom, she says get pregnant, everyone says it will happen when it was meant to happen...well...it needs to happen. I knew being a social worker was going to be difficult during this process because i know too much, but i guess i didn't really think that my job would keep me from having a child...
Friday, May 13, 2011
Ring Ring???
So i really didn't intend this blog to be all negative, and me bitching...no really...i didn't..but right now that's all I have...so...here is you chance to back out of reading this....
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2
3
OK i warned you.....(that reminds me of a book i had when i was a kid...Grover..and he didn't want me to turn the page...haha...)
This process has taken everything out of me...I don't know what I was thinking when i went into this...That's not true, I was thinking I have a good job, a decent home, ready to be a mom, and know how many kids are in the system that could use just that kind of home. Yet there are so many obstacles it is unreal. This is coming from someone who works for the system. I thought that being a social worker and knowing the system could be helpful, i was wrong, it has made things so much worse. Now its politics...other counties don't want to place babies especially out of their county, and if they do, they need a court order, which doesn't happen in the middle of the night when they need placement. I have been trying to find an actual written policy for the county that says I can't have a Sacramento kid. I have been told no, and its a practice and policy, but still cant find anything in writing. So do i push the issue, and risk being THAT person, and give the county a reason to make my life miserable, or do i just deal with it and wait?? I don't know. I know that this sucks...but now the argument i get into with people is why don't you just go get pregnant...Apparently people don't understand that I am doing this because i know that there are kids out there that need me...in this county and surrounding counties. (which by the way i am only 10-15 min from 4-5 counties, and they still need a court order). So here is my solution, going out to the local drug dealer (who i can find outside my office) smoke some meth...find me a guy...and within minutes i will be pregnant. Wait..that's not the way it works??? Could have fooled me
So I finally spoke with the agency social worker, and all this is the garbage she told me. She told me that she was signing me up for the picnic next week. I hate these things, even before i became involved in this. Usually they are for older kids, and she will get a list before. So if they are all older, i wont go, just don't think i can. She told me about a set of siblings, the little boy is 2 (and a head of blonde curls) and his sister is 4...and is a girly girl and has to rule the roost. I think i mentioned them before. Anyway, we have talked and I have decided to at least meet the kids. Not like, this is Jordonna she is thinking of being your mommy...just a casual maybe meet at a park or whatever. 2 is a lot, and i am not set up for those ages. If it was just the 2 year old, i think i would be fine with it....its that 4 year old girl...girly girl no less...so we will see what happens..
So i continue to wait, vent, marinate in it, and stress about it. i know it will happen when it was meant to be...blah blah blah..i have heard it...i just want to hear the phone ring, and say they found my child...
1
2
3
OK i warned you.....(that reminds me of a book i had when i was a kid...Grover..and he didn't want me to turn the page...haha...)
This process has taken everything out of me...I don't know what I was thinking when i went into this...That's not true, I was thinking I have a good job, a decent home, ready to be a mom, and know how many kids are in the system that could use just that kind of home. Yet there are so many obstacles it is unreal. This is coming from someone who works for the system. I thought that being a social worker and knowing the system could be helpful, i was wrong, it has made things so much worse. Now its politics...other counties don't want to place babies especially out of their county, and if they do, they need a court order, which doesn't happen in the middle of the night when they need placement. I have been trying to find an actual written policy for the county that says I can't have a Sacramento kid. I have been told no, and its a practice and policy, but still cant find anything in writing. So do i push the issue, and risk being THAT person, and give the county a reason to make my life miserable, or do i just deal with it and wait?? I don't know. I know that this sucks...but now the argument i get into with people is why don't you just go get pregnant...Apparently people don't understand that I am doing this because i know that there are kids out there that need me...in this county and surrounding counties. (which by the way i am only 10-15 min from 4-5 counties, and they still need a court order). So here is my solution, going out to the local drug dealer (who i can find outside my office) smoke some meth...find me a guy...and within minutes i will be pregnant. Wait..that's not the way it works??? Could have fooled me
So I finally spoke with the agency social worker, and all this is the garbage she told me. She told me that she was signing me up for the picnic next week. I hate these things, even before i became involved in this. Usually they are for older kids, and she will get a list before. So if they are all older, i wont go, just don't think i can. She told me about a set of siblings, the little boy is 2 (and a head of blonde curls) and his sister is 4...and is a girly girl and has to rule the roost. I think i mentioned them before. Anyway, we have talked and I have decided to at least meet the kids. Not like, this is Jordonna she is thinking of being your mommy...just a casual maybe meet at a park or whatever. 2 is a lot, and i am not set up for those ages. If it was just the 2 year old, i think i would be fine with it....its that 4 year old girl...girly girl no less...so we will see what happens..
So i continue to wait, vent, marinate in it, and stress about it. i know it will happen when it was meant to be...blah blah blah..i have heard it...i just want to hear the phone ring, and say they found my child...
Thursday, May 5, 2011
The door is still closed...
It has been over a month since my last post, and still no news to report. Honestly...it sucks!! I am frustrated, angry, sad, confused and don't know what to do. If i would have gotten pregnant, i would be 7 months along, happy, waiting for my baby to be born. But instead i wait, feeling helpless and hopeless...I know i have said this before, but i just don't get it. I know what the system is doing, i know that in the month of March our county had 350 more referrals then our normal average. I just don't believe that it is only Sacramento County. I did some checking and I really cant take a Sac County kid, and they wouldn't even consider me for placement. So here I sit...I have been told that the surrounding counties want to keep babies in their own counties. I live 10 minutes from surrounding counties, so its not like it is 8 hours away. I want to talk to my social worker, but I don't want to be THAT person, the one that always complains. I want to believe that she is doing everything she can to get me a placement, but really who knows. Again i understand this doing what i do, but i know i have already been passed over once because i am a single mother.
So now i am getting people saying that i should just go get pregnant. But there are a few things with that....(1) i am not getting any younger (Believe it or not, i just realized the other day my birthday is a month away) and (2) i honestly don't even know if i can get pregnant. As my coworker so nicely pointed out I am old especially when it comes to having children. Giving birth still freaks me out...So this puts me in kind of an odd position, and I have no idea what to do. I mean if i tried to get pregnant now it could take several months, and it could be a year or more until i have one....or i can wait and could get a call tomorrow. So what do i do??? Kind of a hard decision, right?
So i have been presented with some kids, but it seems to be always siblings, at least 2. The last was a 2 yr old and a 4 year old. I feel like maybe i am getting to the point where i have to say yes. It scares the crap out of me to have more than one kid...but...eventually i want more...so really whats the big deal. I don't know if i could handle 2 at the same time...i mean when you give birth there is time for you to adjust, but one day you are alone with your cat, and the next day you have 2 kids...that's pretty intense. Could i make it...i am sure i could. But last weekend I spent 1 whole day with my 2 year old niece...(who by the way is the cutest thing..and so much fun) My parents were with me, and were more than happy to let me run around after her and bathe her...and all that stuff. I drove home, and was SO tired i didn't know what to do. I thought, what if i had to come home, and i had a child or two..i came home and crashed...LOL...
So here I sit, with the nursery room closed....
So now i am getting people saying that i should just go get pregnant. But there are a few things with that....(1) i am not getting any younger (Believe it or not, i just realized the other day my birthday is a month away) and (2) i honestly don't even know if i can get pregnant. As my coworker so nicely pointed out I am old especially when it comes to having children. Giving birth still freaks me out...So this puts me in kind of an odd position, and I have no idea what to do. I mean if i tried to get pregnant now it could take several months, and it could be a year or more until i have one....or i can wait and could get a call tomorrow. So what do i do??? Kind of a hard decision, right?
So i have been presented with some kids, but it seems to be always siblings, at least 2. The last was a 2 yr old and a 4 year old. I feel like maybe i am getting to the point where i have to say yes. It scares the crap out of me to have more than one kid...but...eventually i want more...so really whats the big deal. I don't know if i could handle 2 at the same time...i mean when you give birth there is time for you to adjust, but one day you are alone with your cat, and the next day you have 2 kids...that's pretty intense. Could i make it...i am sure i could. But last weekend I spent 1 whole day with my 2 year old niece...(who by the way is the cutest thing..and so much fun) My parents were with me, and were more than happy to let me run around after her and bathe her...and all that stuff. I drove home, and was SO tired i didn't know what to do. I thought, what if i had to come home, and i had a child or two..i came home and crashed...LOL...
So here I sit, with the nursery room closed....
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