I can't believe it

Tomorrow is the first day of July...(hard to believe with the weather we have been having)..This month it is a year that I started this adoption process.  I attended the orientation in July last year.  Honestly I thought I would have a child by now, and been a least halfway into the adoption process...but apparently it hasn't been meant to be.  I know...I know...when the right child comes along, blah blah blah....frankly I am sick of hearing this.  I am going to have to take all those classes that I took to get certified all over, and I haven't even held a child...

I see children everyday at work, and this week happened to be a week of newborns.  Well of course that doesn't help.  So when this mother, who said she loved me and thanked me because I told her I would do everything I could to make it so she could keep this baby, asked me if I wanted to hold her 2 week old baby,  I was almost afraid.  I mean, I feel glad that she is getting clean and finally wants to parent her 4th child....BUT (and i feel bad for feeling like this) I thought, "couldn't i give that baby a good home, maybe even better"......or the little baby I saw who's parents thought that it was OK for a baby to sleep on her stomach, because she threw up when she was on her back...DUH..that's what baby's do.  Yet here I sit, waiting, as well as some of my closest friends who are having trouble getting pregnant.  I want to scream and yell...when will it be my time???  It makes no sense to me.  Even when I think about it, it makes me cry. 

I don't even know what to do with this....there are babies everywhere...A few friends have recently given birth to adorable babies, people I grew up with are having their second and third...it seems everywhere I look there are babies, or women that are pregnant.  It is so freaking frustrating, and I feel like maybe I wasn't meant to a mother.  Though I thought that was really the only thing I was put on this earth to do.  I have a great role model, and am ready to pass that on...and of course, tweak things to do it the "Jordonna Way." 

I know that things could be so much worse, and everyday I get up and try to have a positive attitude.  I just want to thank everyone for your love and support.

I'll take that one...

Well...I am officially a year older....BFD...


So today I was online searching sperm donors today. I found one that is described as looking like Rick Schroeder or a young version of Val Kilmer....Yummmy..Anyway, why was I doing this, well one reason was because I was completely unmotivated but also trying to check out my options. Things are moving slowly with the county, but are not dead yet, so that’s good. But I think part of this is desperation, actually I know it is.

The bottom line is that I want a child. Yes I could go and look at hundreds of sperm donors, pick "the right one" and buy 5 vials of it, and hope it works. Really how much different would that be then what I am doing now? I know at some point I will be able to have a child placed in my home, and eventually be a permanent part of my family. If you ask my parents, they will tell you that patience is not my forte. So here I am in desperation mode. Of course I still want to adopt, I want to adopt, not because I can’t have a child, but because I feel like I can give a child a great home. I know it will be rewarding, and a challenge, but I love a challenge. I think that this process is more of the challenge then actually being a parent.

So I will continue to hang in there…I want to thank those of you that have been so supportive, I couldn’t have done it without you.