True Heroes....

On the 19th, it will be 3 months since I have been officially certified as a foster parent...and still nothing...
OMG I don't know how much longer I can take this. 

Last week I helped transport a baby to LA to get to a foster home closer to his family.  So at the butt crack of dawn we got up and picked up the baby....the trip was fine...but the important part was the foster parents...they had the baby for only a month or so..but were obviously bonded to him.  When I have picked kids up from foster homes, and from what i have heard other social workers also run into this, you show up and the kids have all their stuff in black garbage bag, knowing they are off to the next place.  Now of course this baby had no idea what was happening but this family had a diaper bag, another little bag, and a huge duffel bag with clothes, diapers, formula, everything the next foster mother could want or need.  There were clothes that still had tags on them, best looking wardrobe on the block...they said that we could leave it all with the new foster home...The foster mother kissed the baby, put him in the car seat, and turned around and ran back to the house.  I had tears in my eyes...foster parents do this everyday....I may be a "foster parent" but my goal is adoption, and I can say yes or no to a child, but the true heroes are the good and decent foster parents who take in the kids, love them and give them everything, and when it is time for the child to move on, wherever it may be, they kiss them goodbye, tell them they love them....and let them go...

Hoping for good news in 2011

Hope everyone had a happy and safe new years!!

I feel like i should update this more often, but I don't have anything to report.  So I hadn't heard anything, and I needed to send some pics of me for whatever they need it for, so i sent the social worker an e mail, to "check in."  I also sent her some pics of the unused room, why...maybe to poke her a little more to go out of her way for me...anyway...She said that the holidays tend to be a slow time....she was going to contact the neighboring counties again to let them know that i am still here...Of course if I could I would send out a flare...lol...If she would have left it there, I would have been OK i suppose...so then she goes on to say that she had the perfect little boy for me last month, but of course...he was a Sacramento County kid...dang my job...

This is so frustrating.  I knew what i was setting myself up for, and knew that it could take some time.But worse for me is i have no control...yea...yea...i know...for those of you who know me well, know that this is of course nothing new...but it really has contributed to my lack of motivation in all areas of my life.  I love my job, but man it is so difficult to get up and out of bed everyday, especially now when I wake up it is dark and gray, I have flashbacks of living in London.

So everyone think good thoughts...and I promise to let you know when it happens.

Happy Holidays

I just want to wish all my friends and family a happy holidays...hope its great..

With that out of the way, I still wait.  But because of the time of the year, it is worse for me.  I have never been a fan of the winter, I am a Cali girl at heart...so this weather sucks...but on top of that...i have heard NOTHING...from nobody...I know that they are doing what they can, and haven't forgotten about me...but man....NOTHING...  Here is what I don't understand, I know from my caseload, my coworkers caseloads, and my friends that work in other areas of CPS, that everyone has a ton of cases...so that's only Sacramento County???  Placer, Solano, Contra Costa or any other county have no babies being removed from their parents...I highly doubt that...I know that they do the matching, and i think that if people were looking at a couple and then me...they would much rather send that child to a 2 parent home...but i am willing to pick up a baby being released from the hospital.  So much is going on in my head, so much so i can't concentrate, and have completely unmotivated!!...so...I continue to wait...

Tonight on TV was a show about adoption stories, and of course I cried...not even a little...bawled my eyes out...

So I will leave you with this....a friend saw this, and said she thought of me....brings a few tears...

http://www.beliefnet.com/Inspiration/Chicken-Soup-For-The-Soul/2010/12/A-Mother-at-Last.aspx?source=NEWSLETTER&nlsource=49&ppc=&utm_campaign=DIBSoup&utm_source=NL&utm_medium=newsletter&utm_term=aol.com

Where or where has my mind gone??!!

I am seriously losing my mind!!  Whoever says that you have to be pregnant to have symptoms, is freakin crazy.  I am so hormonal, crying, laughing, crying, mad....all of it...the worst is that Glee made me bawl like the baby i am waiting for...some cravings...but honestly the worst part of it is what i am doing to myself.  I am so ready for this to happen, and this waiting is killing me.  Of course my problem is minor compared to some problems people i care about are dealing with...and i don't want to whine about it...its worse because i work with this everyday!!  This kid would be perfect for me, that one would be perfect....arrrggghhhh....and because i work for the damn county, i have to wait.  I don't hear from anyone and it kills me....maybe i should have tried to get pregnant...i don't know.

i am really looking forward to this for another reason, i really need time off.  I realize that being off work with a child isn't the same as a vacation, but honestly it doesn't matter...i just wont be at work.    I am completely unhappy and unmotivated at work..  I thought the little break i had for thanksgiving might help...but it totally didn't.

The other part of this is that i hate this time of year...always have...and since it started early this year, its more time it has been in my face.  

Venting done.....

Parenthood Party!!

What a truly AWESOME day!!  Before I go any further, I want to say again to Darby and Cari, you guys rock....thank you so much for today...it was perfect!!!  You guys are the best...and feel blessed to have friends like you in my life....my future child will be lucky to have you as Auntie's.

Second to everyone who came today to share in this joyous and stressful event.  Your gifts will be used wisely i promise...it all makes the room more inviting for this child.  I had my mother there, who gave me a blanket that she made....a long time ago, when i was born.  She gave it to my niece and it has returned to me...I am truly thankful for my mother, and know that because of her I will follow in her foot steps and be a great mommy!!  Here is a pic of that beautiful blanket....

I had my second and third families there....and many great friends....we had great conversations, a lot of laughs, and all of you inspire me to be a great person, and an even better mother.

Here is a pic of the beautiful quilt that Barb B made for me....As soon as she heard about what i was doing she was on it...i am truly honored that she took the time to make this....

Here's a few more pics of all the stuff i had to find a place for....

And OMG Cari who is soooooo crafty, it makes me so jealous...made this cute diaper cake(great because now i have 3 sizes of diapers) btw those are "Mums" on it...hahaha...and the picture board which she also made...it will be an awesome addition to the room...

Finally my super cute new diaper bag...which has circles on it, which for some reason i am obsessed with.  And if you look closely at the straps on the car seat...it has monkeys on the straps...so cute...

(Sorry that all the pics are up here like this...but i cant quite figure out how to change it)

As for the actual process....this is is so grueling...and i wait every day for a call...and it hasn't come yet.  I had to decline children this week, a 4 yr old girl and her 1.5 yr old brother (yup..that's two at the same time)   But it seems that they were still looking at relatives for placement, and if i have some control over my risk of heartache...i will do so....i do feel guilty...and feel like i should just do it so that i can get on with it, and have the kid and figure out parenting...but then i want to hang in there and hope that the right child will find its way into my home.  Just because i decline children, doesn't make me lower on any list or anything, or hurt my chances of a child, so no worries there.

This week i had lunch with a bunch of people for a birthday (Happy birthday again Deb) and was talking with an adoptive mother.  She had her own children and decided to adopt from China.  That process is different then what i am doing, i was more curious about raising the child and how she feels about her.  She said that even though she didn't give birth to her, that child is hers and she would do anything for her.  she said that her hair is dyed black because her daughter wanted to know why her hair wasn't the same color.  She said that she doesn't feel any differently about her daughter than she does about her boys, and said that she thinks she is even more protective of her.  You could see in her eyes that she loves that little girl...and for me...that help me know that even though i wont be giving birth, that i will still be able to bond and love a child even though we have no biological connection.  Anyone can have a baby and be a mother, but it takes special people to be a mommy. 

Deb said today that they told the little girl that she didn't come from her mommy's tummy, but came from her heart....with that...good night...and thanx again to everyone...

Officially

As of October 19, I am officially a certified foster home.  I have the "certificate" to prove it.

I have to say, it appears having a baby is in the water...so many at the office are pregnant..which is awesome.  It is great when talking about kids, and i say that I am expecting, and people are shocked..LOL..The problem is that once everyone else gives birth they lose the weight, but not me...so i have to be careful...here is the question, am i technically "expecting"?  I guess I am, i just don't know when, what, or how old...

It has only been a week, but waiting already is difficult already.  Every time the phone rings and I miss it, i feel like i have to check it super fast because you never know.  I don't want to be a pain so i don't call the agency social worker.  The room is as done as it is going to be I think.

I am sure i will find plenty more to put in it.

That's it for now...will keep you all posted...

Its official...I think...

I saw my home study, sent it back, and i am assuming that it has been approved. 

So i had to turn down my first child last week.  Of course I felt guilty, but i know it is best for me and the child.  Poor little guy is almost 2, had 2 surgeries, and was going to need more.  I had told them before that i don't do well with medical stuff, but i think that they ask anyway.  Just hope that the calls keep coming...

I picked up the car seat today, and attempted to put it in the car just to see.  good thing i have a car seat expert in the family, but i can do it enough to be safe.  So i think i have everything i can by in advance. If you can think of anything i need to get...let me know...

So this weekend I made some art for the room.  It came out better than i thought it would.  Starting to think i may have a little creativity buried somewhere, with a little help from my friends.  So i haven't put them up yet but here is what i have.

I also have some jungle stickers to put up, and waiting for monkeys stickers to come so i can hang them in the tree.

Lots of baby talk everywhere....it must be in the water.  Only problem for me is that everyone is eating for two....and i cant use having a baby as an excuse...if i gain weight, i don't lose it when i have a baby...I will say it is a lot of fun to tell people i am having a baby...the double take is great...

I know that this waiting is going to be hard.  I have all this stuff, and frankly and ready...!!!