Well....we are only a few days in, and things are going well. First off thanx to everyone for the wishes, and such....I am so overwhelmed..I would say that i still cant believe it, but i am so tired i can't see straight. This is funny because i haven't been sleeping well the past couple months, and i figured the universe was preparing me for this...Not even close....
Last week at this time i was sitting in my house that was clean and you could see the living room floor...now...there is a cradle, a swing, a car seat, blankets, diapers and my kitchen has been invaded by bottles. Who would have thought...I know this is what i wanted..but it is still sinking in. Here is the thing, when you are pregnant you know about when the child will be here, what it is, or at least you know you are going to have a newborn, so you know what you need and how to prepare. I got a phone call at 12:30 in the afternoon, and by 6 I am home with a 3 day old baby boy. Its amazing...
Everyday is such a new thing...the smiles he gives (OK i know that it is gas...let me think what i want) or he grips my finger while he is eating...and the weight of this is not lost....this little thing depends on me for EVERYTHING...OMG...And even though I seem to be so tired all the time, that my eyes seem to always be drooping, those little noises he makes, is all worth it.(for now anyway..lol)
I find myself being so paranoid about everything. For the first day or so, I checked to see if he was breathing every 5 minutes. Or if he is eating enough, and gaining weight, or the fact that he didn't poop yesterday, is that something i need to call the advice nurse for? or can i take him out, or let all my friends who want to come see him, do so. He does have some medical stuff, and it is cold and flu season..and...and...So many little things, and i know its trial and error...but still...so for those of you who are mothers, i may be calling you in a panic.
The good news is that he went to the doc on Friday and he said that he is doing really well. He saw him shortly after he was born an remembered him. I may as well have given birth to this kid, he is a great eater and likes to watch TV.
I took him to Home Depot the other day and as we were wandering i was thinking that his mother could be anywhere, which is funny seeing i do what i do. such a strange experience this is...and we are only at the beginning...
i typed most of this one handed because my boy is in the other one...sorry about the mistakes, plus i am sleep deprived...
Monday, October 10, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Well....we are only a few days in, and things are going well. First off thanx to everyone for the wishes, and such....I am so overwhelmed..I would say that i still cant believe it, but i am so tired i can't see straight. This is funny because i haven't been sleeping well the past couple months, and i figured the universe was preparing me for this...Not even close....
Last week at this time i was sitting in my house that was clean and you could see the living room floor...now...there is a cradle, a swing, a car seat, blankets, diapers and my kitchen has been invaded by bottles. Who would have thought...I know this is what i wanted..but it is still sinking in. Here is the thing, when you are pregnant you know about when the child will be here, what it is, or at least you know you are going to have a newborn, so you know what you need and how to prepare. I got a phone call at 12:30 in the afternoon, and by 6 I am home with a 3 day old baby boy. Its amazing...
Everyday is such a new thing...the smiles he gives (OK i know that it is gas...let me think what i want) or he grips my finger while he is eating...and the weight of this is not lost....this little thing depends on me for EVERYTHING...OMG...And even though I seem to be so tired all the time, that my eyes seem to always be drooping, those little noises he makes, is all worth it.(for now anyway..lol)
I find myself being so paranoid about everything. For the first day or so, I checked to see if he was breathing every 5 minutes. Or if he is eating enough, and gaining weight, or the fact that he didn't poop yesterday, is that something i need to call the advice nurse for? or can i take him out, or let all my friends who want to come see him, do so. He does have some medical stuff, and it is cold and flu season..and...and...So many little things, and i know its trial and error...but still...so for those of you who are mothers, i may be calling you in a panic.
The good news is that he went to the doc on Friday and he said that he is doing really well. He saw him shortly after he was born an remembered him. I may as well have given birth to this kid, he is a great eater and likes to watch TV.
I took him to Home Depot the other day and as we were wandering i was thinking that his mother could be anywhere, which is funny seeing i do what i do. such a strange experience this is...and we are only at the beginning...
i type most of this one handed because my boy is in the other one...sorry about the mistakes, plus i am sleep deprived...
Last week at this time i was sitting in my house that was clean and you could see the living room floor...now...there is a cradle, a swing, a car seat, blankets, diapers and my kitchen has been invaded by bottles. Who would have thought...I know this is what i wanted..but it is still sinking in. Here is the thing, when you are pregnant you know about when the child will be here, what it is, or at least you know you are going to have a newborn, so you know what you need and how to prepare. I got a phone call at 12:30 in the afternoon, and by 6 I am home with a 3 day old baby boy. Its amazing...
Everyday is such a new thing...the smiles he gives (OK i know that it is gas...let me think what i want) or he grips my finger while he is eating...and the weight of this is not lost....this little thing depends on me for EVERYTHING...OMG...And even though I seem to be so tired all the time, that my eyes seem to always be drooping, those little noises he makes, is all worth it.(for now anyway..lol)
I find myself being so paranoid about everything. For the first day or so, I checked to see if he was breathing every 5 minutes. Or if he is eating enough, and gaining weight, or the fact that he didn't poop yesterday, is that something i need to call the advice nurse for? or can i take him out, or let all my friends who want to come see him, do so. He does have some medical stuff, and it is cold and flu season..and...and...So many little things, and i know its trial and error...but still...so for those of you who are mothers, i may be calling you in a panic.
The good news is that he went to the doc on Friday and he said that he is doing really well. He saw him shortly after he was born an remembered him. I may as well have given birth to this kid, he is a great eater and likes to watch TV.
I took him to Home Depot the other day and as we were wandering i was thinking that his mother could be anywhere, which is funny seeing i do what i do. such a strange experience this is...and we are only at the beginning...
i type most of this one handed because my boy is in the other one...sorry about the mistakes, plus i am sleep deprived...
Thursday, October 6, 2011
OMG
Well...as most of you know by now....it finally happened....as I sit here writing this, there is this little 3 day old being that I am now responsible for....i cant even keep a plant alive...lol...
Ok first...the stats....
He was born on 10/2, 8lbs, 15ozs, 19 inches, and is African American.. Full term baby...he was positive for meth and cocaine at birth, but I didn't expect anything less. He has a few medical things going on...but nothing i can't handle...
So the way it went down was this...started off as a normal day of work...not happy because i am not super fond of the rain...i had to drag out my tennis shoes and jeans...ick...So my 10 o'clock appt didn't show, so I called and he said that he was at the welfare office and wasn't going to make it. So i decided to go see a child at school on the other side of town. Darby decided to go with me and then we were going to have lunch at Alexandria's Cafe (for those of you in the Bradshaw area..its on Kiefer...great food) So we are sitting eating the awesome tri tip sandwich and chatting. My phone rang, and i recognized the number...the one that my heart stops every time it shows up on my phone. I looked at Darby, took a deep breath, got myself ready for rejection and answered it. The SW was on the other line, and she said "I know this is out of your box, but..." Usually when she says this, i know that my next word is "No" I listened to what she had, and really the only thing that made me second guess anything were the medical issues. After some phone calls, and discussions I finally decided that I was going to do this.
The next few hours are kind of a blur....I know i drove from the cafe to the SW's office to sign paperwork. While we were there everyone was so excited for me, and of course I was too, but i could feel my heart start to beat a little faster, and the sweat started to pour off my forehead. I sat down to sign the paperwork which was weird, because usually the paperwork that i was about to sign, my name was under Social worker, and this time i was signing under "Foster Mother." So weird!!!! We left the office with copies of paperwork and a plastic bag with some clothes. I think from there, i tried to call work, but ended up driving Darby to her car at the office. From there we came back to my house, and waited. I was waiting for a social worker from the hospital to call me. Of course I was anxious, so i paged the social worker. After about half hour, i still hadn't heard anything. Meanwhile, i am stressing out, I mean the whole entire room has been ready to go for a year but i have a few outfits, diapers (but not sure i have the right size). I have had gift cards from the wonderful shower i had a year ago. I have no idea what I need, and my anxiety and emotions are not helping any. Luckily i had my awesome friend to help bring me back to reality. FINALLY the call comes in from Denise...baby is ready for discharge, but they are waiting for the medication, so I should plan to be there around 5. Well since it is only 3:30 off to Target we go. I know i was laughing the entire time, but it had to be comical watching the two of us run up and down the aisles..."do we need this, did you get that, i cant find this, what does that do?" After we load up the basket, we head to the front to pay. We are guessing how much this massive pile of things cost, Darby says $175 and I say closwe to 400. Well we had already hit Darby's mark...$350 later...we are armed with hopefully everything we need to get us at least through the night.
Off to the hospital we go. We check in and are directed to the Special Care Nursery. Every other time that I have been in a special care nursery, it is loud and bustling...this little baby was the only one left. There he lay, wrapped up like a burrito, and this cute little blue and white hat. Think Where's Waldo. So after all the info i have to take in, and i know that they are all important, but its almost like slow motion. Doctor's appts, Medi-Cal, medication....i have to admit i had some doubts, and almost ran out of there. But of course this is what i have been waiting for. So after what seem like forever, but in reality was probably only an hour or so, the nurse said that I could dress him to get him ready to go home. WHAT???!!!! Are you sure you want to do this, i mean once we leave this hospital it all rests on me. Horrible pressure...and i didn't even give birth.... Off to the car we went....with numerous bags full of stuff and a cut little quilt that was made by volunteer grandma's...put him in the car...and off we go.
So, it was so hard to drive and be able to see him. He was quiet..and i know all first time parents go through this, but when he was quiet it scared the crap out of me. we stopped to get something to eat, and Darby had to undo her seat belt and look at him. Glad i wasn't the only one. We get home and unload baby, all the things from the hospital and the massive pile from Target. Now what?? Well put together the Rock n play, Auntie Darby and baby bond....Uncle Calvin comes by, and has some male bonding time...so adorable...I will say that i had some tears, and worries, and i am scared to death.
As i finish this up it is now 6am. I think i slept about 3 hours between 130 and 430. He ate. and fell right back to sleep...We both slept downstairs on the couch...lol...while Auntie Darby slept upstairs in the bed...she is still sleeping....I want to say one more thing, and then will close this out. I am grateful for the support of my family and friends...and i am going to be cranky for the next who knows how long...but i have to thank Darby...I don't know how i would have gotten through the day...and even though she got sleep (LOL..she deserves it) the fact that she is asleep in the house has made me feel that much safer.
Ok first...the stats....
He was born on 10/2, 8lbs, 15ozs, 19 inches, and is African American.. Full term baby...he was positive for meth and cocaine at birth, but I didn't expect anything less. He has a few medical things going on...but nothing i can't handle...
So the way it went down was this...started off as a normal day of work...not happy because i am not super fond of the rain...i had to drag out my tennis shoes and jeans...ick...So my 10 o'clock appt didn't show, so I called and he said that he was at the welfare office and wasn't going to make it. So i decided to go see a child at school on the other side of town. Darby decided to go with me and then we were going to have lunch at Alexandria's Cafe (for those of you in the Bradshaw area..its on Kiefer...great food) So we are sitting eating the awesome tri tip sandwich and chatting. My phone rang, and i recognized the number...the one that my heart stops every time it shows up on my phone. I looked at Darby, took a deep breath, got myself ready for rejection and answered it. The SW was on the other line, and she said "I know this is out of your box, but..." Usually when she says this, i know that my next word is "No" I listened to what she had, and really the only thing that made me second guess anything were the medical issues. After some phone calls, and discussions I finally decided that I was going to do this.
The next few hours are kind of a blur....I know i drove from the cafe to the SW's office to sign paperwork. While we were there everyone was so excited for me, and of course I was too, but i could feel my heart start to beat a little faster, and the sweat started to pour off my forehead. I sat down to sign the paperwork which was weird, because usually the paperwork that i was about to sign, my name was under Social worker, and this time i was signing under "Foster Mother." So weird!!!! We left the office with copies of paperwork and a plastic bag with some clothes. I think from there, i tried to call work, but ended up driving Darby to her car at the office. From there we came back to my house, and waited. I was waiting for a social worker from the hospital to call me. Of course I was anxious, so i paged the social worker. After about half hour, i still hadn't heard anything. Meanwhile, i am stressing out, I mean the whole entire room has been ready to go for a year but i have a few outfits, diapers (but not sure i have the right size). I have had gift cards from the wonderful shower i had a year ago. I have no idea what I need, and my anxiety and emotions are not helping any. Luckily i had my awesome friend to help bring me back to reality. FINALLY the call comes in from Denise...baby is ready for discharge, but they are waiting for the medication, so I should plan to be there around 5. Well since it is only 3:30 off to Target we go. I know i was laughing the entire time, but it had to be comical watching the two of us run up and down the aisles..."do we need this, did you get that, i cant find this, what does that do?" After we load up the basket, we head to the front to pay. We are guessing how much this massive pile of things cost, Darby says $175 and I say closwe to 400. Well we had already hit Darby's mark...$350 later...we are armed with hopefully everything we need to get us at least through the night.
Off to the hospital we go. We check in and are directed to the Special Care Nursery. Every other time that I have been in a special care nursery, it is loud and bustling...this little baby was the only one left. There he lay, wrapped up like a burrito, and this cute little blue and white hat. Think Where's Waldo. So after all the info i have to take in, and i know that they are all important, but its almost like slow motion. Doctor's appts, Medi-Cal, medication....i have to admit i had some doubts, and almost ran out of there. But of course this is what i have been waiting for. So after what seem like forever, but in reality was probably only an hour or so, the nurse said that I could dress him to get him ready to go home. WHAT???!!!! Are you sure you want to do this, i mean once we leave this hospital it all rests on me. Horrible pressure...and i didn't even give birth.... Off to the car we went....with numerous bags full of stuff and a cut little quilt that was made by volunteer grandma's...put him in the car...and off we go.
So, it was so hard to drive and be able to see him. He was quiet..and i know all first time parents go through this, but when he was quiet it scared the crap out of me. we stopped to get something to eat, and Darby had to undo her seat belt and look at him. Glad i wasn't the only one. We get home and unload baby, all the things from the hospital and the massive pile from Target. Now what?? Well put together the Rock n play, Auntie Darby and baby bond....Uncle Calvin comes by, and has some male bonding time...so adorable...I will say that i had some tears, and worries, and i am scared to death.
As i finish this up it is now 6am. I think i slept about 3 hours between 130 and 430. He ate. and fell right back to sleep...We both slept downstairs on the couch...lol...while Auntie Darby slept upstairs in the bed...she is still sleeping....I want to say one more thing, and then will close this out. I am grateful for the support of my family and friends...and i am going to be cranky for the next who knows how long...but i have to thank Darby...I don't know how i would have gotten through the day...and even though she got sleep (LOL..she deserves it) the fact that she is asleep in the house has made me feel that much safer.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Let down...once again...
I first want to say sorry to my family and friends for a few things...
1. That I once again got every one's hopes up
2. That I am cranky, unmotivated, and probably not much fun to talk to or be around...
I am sure there is more...but that's all i can think of now. Yet again I was let down this week, and i swore i wasn't going to tell anyone, or get any ones hopes up, or mine for that matter....but i was hoping if i put it out into the universe this time, that would be better luck. Obviously not...
I was reading my posts from a year ago, and I was sooooo optimistic, excited, and ready for anything that came my way in this process. Who would have thought i would be here a year later... very few phone calls with children ready to come to my home, a fully decorated empty, nursery and a broken heart.
Before everyone freaks out...I will be fine...just somehow need to get out of this funk. I know it will all be worth it later on..and I will continue to try to have a positive attitude, but I know there will be bad days.
1. That I once again got every one's hopes up
2. That I am cranky, unmotivated, and probably not much fun to talk to or be around...
I am sure there is more...but that's all i can think of now. Yet again I was let down this week, and i swore i wasn't going to tell anyone, or get any ones hopes up, or mine for that matter....but i was hoping if i put it out into the universe this time, that would be better luck. Obviously not...
I was reading my posts from a year ago, and I was sooooo optimistic, excited, and ready for anything that came my way in this process. Who would have thought i would be here a year later... very few phone calls with children ready to come to my home, a fully decorated empty, nursery and a broken heart.
Before everyone freaks out...I will be fine...just somehow need to get out of this funk. I know it will all be worth it later on..and I will continue to try to have a positive attitude, but I know there will be bad days.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
I think I can....
I know i keep saying this, but this process is heartbreaking!!! I really thought that because i do what i do, that i have learned how to deal with stress, and that somehow this would be different...WRONG. It's worse, which i guess makes sense, becoming a parent is huge and hard to be non emotional about. There is no way...this process will bring the strongest person to their knees...I feel like that's where I'm at. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I get wind of something possibly, and i try not to get excited or my hopes up, and I don't want to tell everyone and get their hopes up, but then I need someone to talk to about it. I am constantly on edge, and on the brink of tears, and now it seems to be affecting my life both at work and a home.
To say I have a lack of motivation is an understatement, which is difficult as this is one of our busiest of the year. So as i sit and watch my caseload creep higher and higher, my desire to do anything slips further and further away. My co worker and i just moved offices, and that was tough, because things were chaotic. Luckily we have settled in...the air conditioning doesn't work, the fax machine doesn't work, and the office is significantly smaller, so we are sitting on top of each other...of course both of us talk super loud, and listen to completely different music, which has made for an interesting week.
At home, dishes continue to pile up, the floor needs vacuumed, i cant see out of my window on my poor car...and the bed in my extra room...has turned into the junk pile. And i have been car hunting, which i don't really need to do, but of course now that it is in my head, i keep thinking of it and it keeps me from thinking about what i really should be thinking about.
So a child or children in my home, while i realize wouldn't make my house cleaner, or me less stressed or tired...it would make all those things much more worth it. I would love to not sleep like i have been, but at least can sit up and watch a baby drink his bottle and all that...instead i continue to toss and turn...and all that happens is i cant get out of bed in the morning.
I really am trying to be positive, i am still carrying around my good fortune, and the baby shoes next to bed. I close my eyes and picture it all happening, and hope that someday it will come true. Would I do this again, if i had to answer right this minute...no...now i am sure if you talk to me after i have a child, it could be a different answer. I hate asking for help, but I'm not asking for help, just a positive thought my way once in awhile from everyone would be awesome and appreciated.
*closing my eyes* I will be a mommy...i will be a mommy...
To say I have a lack of motivation is an understatement, which is difficult as this is one of our busiest of the year. So as i sit and watch my caseload creep higher and higher, my desire to do anything slips further and further away. My co worker and i just moved offices, and that was tough, because things were chaotic. Luckily we have settled in...the air conditioning doesn't work, the fax machine doesn't work, and the office is significantly smaller, so we are sitting on top of each other...of course both of us talk super loud, and listen to completely different music, which has made for an interesting week.
At home, dishes continue to pile up, the floor needs vacuumed, i cant see out of my window on my poor car...and the bed in my extra room...has turned into the junk pile. And i have been car hunting, which i don't really need to do, but of course now that it is in my head, i keep thinking of it and it keeps me from thinking about what i really should be thinking about.
So a child or children in my home, while i realize wouldn't make my house cleaner, or me less stressed or tired...it would make all those things much more worth it. I would love to not sleep like i have been, but at least can sit up and watch a baby drink his bottle and all that...instead i continue to toss and turn...and all that happens is i cant get out of bed in the morning.
I really am trying to be positive, i am still carrying around my good fortune, and the baby shoes next to bed. I close my eyes and picture it all happening, and hope that someday it will come true. Would I do this again, if i had to answer right this minute...no...now i am sure if you talk to me after i have a child, it could be a different answer. I hate asking for help, but I'm not asking for help, just a positive thought my way once in awhile from everyone would be awesome and appreciated.
*closing my eyes* I will be a mommy...i will be a mommy...
Friday, September 2, 2011
More than a month....
Well, I think it has been a little over a month since I have been "approve" for Sac County, and have only had one call. Two girls, ages 1 and 2, but the social worker didn't have any info about where it was going, or what could happen. So I said no, it was hard...but I did. I haven't heard from my social worker in about 2 weeks, no idea where she is.
So again I know too much, i know babies are being taken and placed into homes, so is it that they are using county homes first, emergency placement then they will look later, or straight up it is because I am a county worker. So is this considered discrimination?? And what do I do, I can't do anything. I can't talk to anyone because then it could look like favoritism...But I don't want to sit and do nothing anymore. This week I had to get my A/C fixed (1300 bucks later) but the guy had to go into the attic which is in the baby's room. So of course he asked me about my child, and I had to say, "actually i am just waiting, so I have this room." It sounds kind of stupid, of course I explained why and he said that he and his girlfriend have a 6 month old, but she is adopted ad they have considered adoption, which was cool.
Here is the best one, so i found an adoption meet up group through a recommendation of someone. They turned me down to join the group because it was only for people who have kids in their home...LOL...i don't even know what to do with that. Seems it would be good for everyone to support each other.
So maybe i just consider doing foster placement for babies....and then maybe it will fall in my lap, though i am on that list right now. Maybe i don't get a baby, I don't know. I am overtired, haven't been sleeping and just don't even know what to do with myself. Everyone and everything gets on my nerve, especially work.
So that's my update for now, it sucks, but apparently this is the life of county employee trying to adopt.
So again I know too much, i know babies are being taken and placed into homes, so is it that they are using county homes first, emergency placement then they will look later, or straight up it is because I am a county worker. So is this considered discrimination?? And what do I do, I can't do anything. I can't talk to anyone because then it could look like favoritism...But I don't want to sit and do nothing anymore. This week I had to get my A/C fixed (1300 bucks later) but the guy had to go into the attic which is in the baby's room. So of course he asked me about my child, and I had to say, "actually i am just waiting, so I have this room." It sounds kind of stupid, of course I explained why and he said that he and his girlfriend have a 6 month old, but she is adopted ad they have considered adoption, which was cool.
Here is the best one, so i found an adoption meet up group through a recommendation of someone. They turned me down to join the group because it was only for people who have kids in their home...LOL...i don't even know what to do with that. Seems it would be good for everyone to support each other.
So maybe i just consider doing foster placement for babies....and then maybe it will fall in my lap, though i am on that list right now. Maybe i don't get a baby, I don't know. I am overtired, haven't been sleeping and just don't even know what to do with myself. Everyone and everything gets on my nerve, especially work.
So that's my update for now, it sucks, but apparently this is the life of county employee trying to adopt.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Maybe I will only be an auntie..
Well it seems that the fortune didn't come true. I know, its only been a few weeks, but I am feeling so defeated. Now, this may have something to do with the fact that I don't think i have had a decent nights sleep in 6 months, and I am so overtired I can't see straight, or the constant heart burn I have had for the last week, or my lack of motivation for anything...it really is as if i am pregnant.
I guess I had convinced myself in the last year, that I would have had a child with me long ago if i could have a local child, then once I was approved for that local child that my phone would be ringing, maybe not off the hook, but at least once in awhile, and my phone hasn't rang once. Maybe this is my life, and what I was meant to do. Maybe I was put here to save these children, and remove them from horrible situations, and make my mark in their life in the 30 minutes I see them, but was not meant to be a mother to any of them. Maybe I just need to come to terms with the possibility that I will never be called Mom...
I guess I had convinced myself in the last year, that I would have had a child with me long ago if i could have a local child, then once I was approved for that local child that my phone would be ringing, maybe not off the hook, but at least once in awhile, and my phone hasn't rang once. Maybe this is my life, and what I was meant to do. Maybe I was put here to save these children, and remove them from horrible situations, and make my mark in their life in the 30 minutes I see them, but was not meant to be a mother to any of them. Maybe I just need to come to terms with the possibility that I will never be called Mom...
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