I think I can....

I know i keep saying this, but this process is heartbreaking!!!  I really thought that because i do what i do, that i have learned how to deal with stress, and that somehow this would be different...WRONG.  It's worse, which i guess makes sense, becoming a parent is huge and hard to be non emotional about.  There is no way...this process will bring the strongest person to their knees...I feel like that's where I'm at.  I don't know how much more of this I can take.  I get wind of something possibly, and i try not to get excited or my hopes up, and I don't want to tell everyone and get their hopes up, but then I need someone to talk to about it.  I am constantly on edge, and on the brink of tears, and now it seems to be affecting my life both at work and a home.

To say I have a lack of motivation is an understatement, which is difficult as this is one of our busiest of the year.  So as i sit and watch my caseload creep higher and higher, my desire to do anything slips further and further away.  My co worker and i just moved offices, and that was tough, because things were chaotic.  Luckily we have settled in...the air conditioning doesn't work, the fax machine doesn't work, and the office is significantly smaller, so we are sitting on top of each other...of course both of us talk super loud, and listen to completely different music, which has made for an interesting week.

At home, dishes continue to pile up, the floor needs vacuumed, i cant see out of my window on my poor car...and the bed in my extra room...has turned into the junk pile.   And i have been car hunting, which i don't really need to do, but of course now that it is in my head, i keep thinking of it and it keeps me from thinking about what i really should be thinking about.

So a child or children in my home, while i realize wouldn't make my house cleaner, or me less stressed or tired...it would make all those things much more worth it.  I would love to not sleep like i have been, but at least can sit up and watch a baby drink his bottle and all that...instead i continue to toss and turn...and all that happens is i cant get out of bed in the morning.

I really am trying to be positive, i am still carrying around my good fortune, and the baby shoes next to bed.  I close my eyes and picture it all happening, and hope that someday it will come true.  Would I do this again, if i had to answer right this minute...no...now i am sure if you talk to me after i have a child, it could be a different answer.  I hate asking for help, but I'm not asking for help, just a positive thought my way once in awhile from everyone would be awesome and appreciated.

*closing my eyes*  I will be a mommy...i will be a mommy...