Well folks, the word of the week is guilt. But more on that in a few.
Well it has been back to work this week. Its like i never left, and already have half a caseload...whoo hoo..never a dull moment. Tuesday after i picked up the baby i got sick, don't know if it was food poisoning, or bug or what, but it was awful. By 9pm i felt better, and after a nap on Wednesday I was back to myself. So weird, again i am so thankful to the Gellers for all their help and support. I am now back in full swing, and it feels good...cant believe i am saying that.
Guilt....o Guilt how i despise you. Apparently the real emotion with the kids is Guilt. First I felt guilty for leaving him at day care. I did not call them at all, and i know people think i am crazy...blah blah blah...but really, he cant tell me anything, and they would call me if it is something i really need to know. Also i chose this center, and if i feel if i have to call every 5 minutes, then maybe i chose the wrong place. I also feel guilty because i didn't really cry. I had a few "moments" on Tuesday, the first day, but i pushed thru. Then there is the guilt, that when I leave work at 3 for whatever reason and work from home, that I don't pick him up as soon as i leave. So i sit there, and feel guilty about it, when i know i really have no reason too. Then i pick him up, and we only have a few short hours to play, and i feel guilty because i have him playing in his bouncer so i can wash bottles, or whatever. I still haven't had anything other than cereal for dinner, at 9pm. Then this morning, Friday, I drop him off at the center, at 8ish, and he is the only kid there...OMG...this will never end will it. O yea, and there is this whole thing with his stuffy nose, whats causing it, and i feel guilty that it is either me (hope not) or my big ol cat...so then there is guilt for the baby and the cat. Its never ending!! With that, i am off to get my kid...
Friday, January 20, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Sour Milk
The bottles are labeled, the diapers are packed, and work cell phone is charged.
Here i sit, staring at my 3 1/2 month old, smiling and laughing at me, and i have mixed emotions. Tomorrow is D day, the day i return to work. 3 weeks ago, i was ready, super excited to get back to work, but now it makes me sad. I am ready for a routine, but gone will be the days that i can take my time getting up, spending time cuddling with the baby.Instead it will be, get up and get moving, rush rush rush..auto pilot. I know that this needs to happen for both of us, but the guilt is already starting. If he cries when i leave, OMG. Tomorrow i have a pretty hectic morning so that's the good news. I will have time to drop him off, make a run to the office, try to get my computer to work, and then sit in a SARB meeting. This wont give me much time to think, until i am sitting in the meeting, and i can see it now, the tears start to flow..LOL..everyone will laugh and i will have to explain. I don't want to be that mom who calls the daycare every 2 minutes. He wont really even know i am gone, until i go to pick him up. I always wondered how my coworkers did the job and went home to deal with their kids. I will find out shortly, plus all the appts, doctors and social workers and such. So check with me tomorrow night and see how i feel. I am still paranoid about the stuffy sound he has. The nurse said if he doesn't have a fever, its ok. I don't want to say its getting worse, but i don't know. It doesn't appear to affect his breathing, but i don't know.
Yesterday, as Jace and i cuddled on the chair and took a nap, I looked at him and remembered how he fit just perfectly across my chest and would sleep there for hours. I realize this was only a short time ago, but it seems like so long. Now his legs hang down and he looks so big. Though he still fits perfectly in my arm and does like to sleep on me. Its very sad, now i get what everyone is saying. Enjoy this time, it doesn't get and easier, once he is off an running things change. Pretty soon he will be 18 and off to college. (He better go!)
So the other day I took the baby and went to Home Depot. Now that the furniture is out of my garage, i decided to go get some more shelves so that i can store the loads of boxes i have of clothes, which by the way, i have until he is 24 months. So i have him in the carrier, in the upper part of the basket and the shelves are a big and bulky and don't fit actually in the cart. So I check out, and am leaving the store and see the shelves slipping off the top of the cart, i run to catch them and of course they fell. It was at that point i realize that it would be really helpful to have someone else to help, and that being single is going to be me trying to figure out how to juggle everything on my own. Luckily there was a couple and the man got up and helped me and then one of the people who worked at Home Depot pushed it out to my car.
I still say that the child has curly hair, likes the TV, has a small bladder, likes to eat and is super loud and talkative, he really could be biologically related to me. O Yea, and only my kid would rather play with and stick in his mouth the dirty burp rag, instead of any of the toys i bought him.
Last thought for the night, before i get everything together for tomorrow. The sour milk smell...is old!!!
Here i sit, staring at my 3 1/2 month old, smiling and laughing at me, and i have mixed emotions. Tomorrow is D day, the day i return to work. 3 weeks ago, i was ready, super excited to get back to work, but now it makes me sad. I am ready for a routine, but gone will be the days that i can take my time getting up, spending time cuddling with the baby.Instead it will be, get up and get moving, rush rush rush..auto pilot. I know that this needs to happen for both of us, but the guilt is already starting. If he cries when i leave, OMG. Tomorrow i have a pretty hectic morning so that's the good news. I will have time to drop him off, make a run to the office, try to get my computer to work, and then sit in a SARB meeting. This wont give me much time to think, until i am sitting in the meeting, and i can see it now, the tears start to flow..LOL..everyone will laugh and i will have to explain. I don't want to be that mom who calls the daycare every 2 minutes. He wont really even know i am gone, until i go to pick him up. I always wondered how my coworkers did the job and went home to deal with their kids. I will find out shortly, plus all the appts, doctors and social workers and such. So check with me tomorrow night and see how i feel. I am still paranoid about the stuffy sound he has. The nurse said if he doesn't have a fever, its ok. I don't want to say its getting worse, but i don't know. It doesn't appear to affect his breathing, but i don't know.
Yesterday, as Jace and i cuddled on the chair and took a nap, I looked at him and remembered how he fit just perfectly across my chest and would sleep there for hours. I realize this was only a short time ago, but it seems like so long. Now his legs hang down and he looks so big. Though he still fits perfectly in my arm and does like to sleep on me. Its very sad, now i get what everyone is saying. Enjoy this time, it doesn't get and easier, once he is off an running things change. Pretty soon he will be 18 and off to college. (He better go!)
So the other day I took the baby and went to Home Depot. Now that the furniture is out of my garage, i decided to go get some more shelves so that i can store the loads of boxes i have of clothes, which by the way, i have until he is 24 months. So i have him in the carrier, in the upper part of the basket and the shelves are a big and bulky and don't fit actually in the cart. So I check out, and am leaving the store and see the shelves slipping off the top of the cart, i run to catch them and of course they fell. It was at that point i realize that it would be really helpful to have someone else to help, and that being single is going to be me trying to figure out how to juggle everything on my own. Luckily there was a couple and the man got up and helped me and then one of the people who worked at Home Depot pushed it out to my car.
I still say that the child has curly hair, likes the TV, has a small bladder, likes to eat and is super loud and talkative, he really could be biologically related to me. O Yea, and only my kid would rather play with and stick in his mouth the dirty burp rag, instead of any of the toys i bought him.
Last thought for the night, before i get everything together for tomorrow. The sour milk smell...is old!!!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
The next step
So, as of next Tuesday I return to work. I thought i was super excited to get back and get into a routine, see people...but as it gets closer, i am rethinking it. Tomorrow i am taking the baby to daycare, and leaving. Granted it is only for a few hours, but still. The good thing is that i am going to get a massage, which i so need. But now i have so much i want to do around the house, which i should have done over the last 3 months, but didn't. My house is a mess, i haven't cooked in my oven in months because it is dirty and probably will catch fire if i turn it on, and the top of it is no better. Good news for me is that on Thursday morning i hired someone to come clean before i go back to work. Who knows i may end up using her once a month. My garage has turned into a nightmare, and its only going to get worse, because now i have clothes that are too small to store.
So i know that leaving him next week is going to be harder for me than him. Shoot he may not even know i am gone as long as he gets what he needs. Part of me feels like if i go back that i am a bad mom, of course i know thats not true. The teachers are really excited about him, he will be the youngest in the room. But now the guilt begins. LOL. More on this next week.
Today the adoption worker came to see me. It went fine, i even cried...which i don't do...he may have to have visits with his mother, but we will see. Anyway, it seems that they aren't concerned about placement, but who knows. They have decided that they are going to have another county come out every month, but a supervisor here write the report. I get it, no big deal for me. The next hearing is March 7th, so hopefully nothing changes by then. Though i held him a little tighter after she left.
Well i think i should go to bed before he wakes up. Man i have no idea how i am going to get up early and get me and him ready to get out of the house. This should be fun...
So i know that leaving him next week is going to be harder for me than him. Shoot he may not even know i am gone as long as he gets what he needs. Part of me feels like if i go back that i am a bad mom, of course i know thats not true. The teachers are really excited about him, he will be the youngest in the room. But now the guilt begins. LOL. More on this next week.
Today the adoption worker came to see me. It went fine, i even cried...which i don't do...he may have to have visits with his mother, but we will see. Anyway, it seems that they aren't concerned about placement, but who knows. They have decided that they are going to have another county come out every month, but a supervisor here write the report. I get it, no big deal for me. The next hearing is March 7th, so hopefully nothing changes by then. Though i held him a little tighter after she left.
Well i think i should go to bed before he wakes up. Man i have no idea how i am going to get up early and get me and him ready to get out of the house. This should be fun...
Sunday, January 1, 2012
3 months
Tomorrow, it will be 3 months that my little boy was born. He came into this world, helpless, defenseless and innocent. He had to endure medication every 6 hours for the first 6 weeks of his life, was born with 2 different drugs in his system, to a person who could not care or provide for him. 3 days later, he came into my life, and while he is not YET legally mine, I love him just as much as any mother loves their child. I may not have given birth to him, but it makes him even more special because I waited and hoped for him to come into my life.
I honestly can say i don't remember much about the first week or two that he came home, and am glad that i was able to blog, so i can look back at it. I do remember looking at him in that crib at the hospital, heart pounding and looking for a way out. His squished up face with a blue and white knitted hat on, peeking out of the top of the hospital blanket. When the nurse said i could get him dressed and take him home, i couldn't believe it.
In 3 months he has developed eye lashes, gained weight, developed a personality. He has discovered his thumb and his hands, and how to use them. He smiles at me, a crooked smile and i cant help but smile back, even at 3am after only a few hours of sleep, he looks for me, when someone else is holding him, how he holds his head up,and pulls himself up to a standing position, and his high pitched screech of delight, is all worth it. The paranoia motherhood brings on, and how i have to still check every few hours to see if he is breathing, I wouldn't change a thing. With his curls and how he has to play with them when he eats, or is tired, his love of TV (even tho he shouldn't be watching), his love of eating, or his incredibly small bladder, he could be biologically mine.
I hope that this year brings us good luck, and that by the middle of the year he can officially be a Hornstein. I look forward to the coming years, maybe not the the teen years, but all that it has in store for us. I just hope that i will also be able to provide for him, and raise an honest, passionate, polite, successful child just as my parents did.
I honestly can say i don't remember much about the first week or two that he came home, and am glad that i was able to blog, so i can look back at it. I do remember looking at him in that crib at the hospital, heart pounding and looking for a way out. His squished up face with a blue and white knitted hat on, peeking out of the top of the hospital blanket. When the nurse said i could get him dressed and take him home, i couldn't believe it.
In 3 months he has developed eye lashes, gained weight, developed a personality. He has discovered his thumb and his hands, and how to use them. He smiles at me, a crooked smile and i cant help but smile back, even at 3am after only a few hours of sleep, he looks for me, when someone else is holding him, how he holds his head up,and pulls himself up to a standing position, and his high pitched screech of delight, is all worth it. The paranoia motherhood brings on, and how i have to still check every few hours to see if he is breathing, I wouldn't change a thing. With his curls and how he has to play with them when he eats, or is tired, his love of TV (even tho he shouldn't be watching), his love of eating, or his incredibly small bladder, he could be biologically mine.
I hope that this year brings us good luck, and that by the middle of the year he can officially be a Hornstein. I look forward to the coming years, maybe not the the teen years, but all that it has in store for us. I just hope that i will also be able to provide for him, and raise an honest, passionate, polite, successful child just as my parents did.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Its been awhile
I haven't posted a blog in awhile, or it seems like it has been awhile. The reason is nothing has really happened. He is getting bigger each day. He had to see a dermatologist, as it turns out it is Eczema. He gave me some cream and off we go. Baby seems to have super sensitive skin, besides the Eczema, it has been popping up other places, but also his face. I am not sure if he is sensitive to other peoples shirts when they hold him, or.....heck if i know. So i hope that it goes away as he gets older, but who knows. Last he was weighed he was 14 pounds. The flatness and baldness on his head as well as the cradle cap continues to drive me crazy, but i know its normal. He continues to grab, coo and talk. I swear today he said Mama. Of course i know he didn't but its still fun to think he did. He gets so excited now when he plays, he laughs and screeches. He is still not sleeping thru the night, but i get that its normal, so I will just continue until he decides he loves me enough to sleep all night...LOL...I gave up on the crib for now, he likes his little rock and play, and he sleeps there...so there he stays.
We had our first Hanukkah with my parents. We had a lot of fun, my brother and niece were there as well. Allie was soooo excited when she got Frosty the Noman, and Now White....We didn't even take pics, i don't think, but really he didn't understand. He got lots of good things, and i seem to be having more fun playing with some of them. (Think Elephant that shoots balls out of his nose). We also attended a foster santa event that my Foster Family Agency does every year. All kids who enter foster care this year received an age appropriate bike. Even Jace, we got a Little Tykes bike. I can push him on it, then push him and he can pedal and then take more off and he can ride by himself. Pretty cool. We didn't really have to go to the event, but i thought it would be fun to go, and maybe meet some people. That didn't really happen, but it was still fun.
I finally heard from the county adoption worker. She is coming out next month. The next court hearing is in March, which is the big one, termination of parental rights. Again i am still a little worried, but next week he will have been with me for 3 months. Where did the time go? He is going to be 3 months. Wow!!!
I had a great Christmas, hung out with friends...had fun...Xmas Eve i got sick, and my awesome friends took the baby for the night and most of Sunday. Uncle Calvin dressed him up in a santa suit, he looked adorable, i said that we should have made a star of David necklace or something. LOL...I slept for almost 10 hours which i apparently needed. I think i missed him, but i didn't have much time, and i knew he was in good hands.
Next is New Years, i cant believe its a new year, not sure where the time went. So Happy New Year to everyone, here is to a happy and healthy 2012.
We had our first Hanukkah with my parents. We had a lot of fun, my brother and niece were there as well. Allie was soooo excited when she got Frosty the Noman, and Now White....We didn't even take pics, i don't think, but really he didn't understand. He got lots of good things, and i seem to be having more fun playing with some of them. (Think Elephant that shoots balls out of his nose). We also attended a foster santa event that my Foster Family Agency does every year. All kids who enter foster care this year received an age appropriate bike. Even Jace, we got a Little Tykes bike. I can push him on it, then push him and he can pedal and then take more off and he can ride by himself. Pretty cool. We didn't really have to go to the event, but i thought it would be fun to go, and maybe meet some people. That didn't really happen, but it was still fun.
I finally heard from the county adoption worker. She is coming out next month. The next court hearing is in March, which is the big one, termination of parental rights. Again i am still a little worried, but next week he will have been with me for 3 months. Where did the time go? He is going to be 3 months. Wow!!!
I had a great Christmas, hung out with friends...had fun...Xmas Eve i got sick, and my awesome friends took the baby for the night and most of Sunday. Uncle Calvin dressed him up in a santa suit, he looked adorable, i said that we should have made a star of David necklace or something. LOL...I slept for almost 10 hours which i apparently needed. I think i missed him, but i didn't have much time, and i knew he was in good hands.
Next is New Years, i cant believe its a new year, not sure where the time went. So Happy New Year to everyone, here is to a happy and healthy 2012.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Week 10
Where did the time go, 10 weeks??? He is now "talking", and cooing, and has this great noise he makes from the back of his throat. He also screeches when he is happy. He loves to go in the car, almost like a dog, i tell him its time to go in the car, as soon as i put him in his car seat he laughs, and screeches. His neck is getting stronger and stronger, and even sits in his bumbo chair, today for about 15 minutes. He is reaching out and grabbing things, and even hanging on to them. He likes for me to help him up by the hands, and then he pushes down and stands up. He is so proud and doesn't know what to do, he almost hyperventilates. He seems to look for me when someone else is holding him, and have been told that he looks for me when i leave. He has this rash on his arms, doc doesn't know what it is, but when i took him in yesterday he weighed 14lbs, fully clothed. On the 6th he was 12.8, i think i will call him moose. I went to a mommy group with him yesterday, and there was a 4 month old little girl, he looks huge compared to her. LOL...
I feel paranoid. I know that all first time mothers are paranoid, but i feel a little added pressure. Now i am 99% sure that i am putting the pressure on myself, but i have all the first time mommy things, but also i have social workers looking at what i do, and they decide if i can care for him. So every mark, or the fact that the back of his head seems flat, and his hair is all crazy, i know that this is normal, but i worry about what the people that have to come in and look at me and what i am doing will think. Again i am humbled, and have a better understanding of what my clients go thru. I feel always on edge about things, and i know i am not perfect (i don't expect to be) but i feel like if i'm not, then i risk losing him. Its a horrible feeling. My house is a mess in my eyes, have i seen so much worse, of course. There are no safety hazards, baby isn't moving yet, but again i am afraid that social workers will come in and pass judgment on me and give them a reason to say that i am not fit to be his mother. I realize again that a lot of this is me, but i am doing the best that i know how, and we seem to be doing well together. I really love this little boy, and would be crushed if anything happened.
I feel paranoid. I know that all first time mothers are paranoid, but i feel a little added pressure. Now i am 99% sure that i am putting the pressure on myself, but i have all the first time mommy things, but also i have social workers looking at what i do, and they decide if i can care for him. So every mark, or the fact that the back of his head seems flat, and his hair is all crazy, i know that this is normal, but i worry about what the people that have to come in and look at me and what i am doing will think. Again i am humbled, and have a better understanding of what my clients go thru. I feel always on edge about things, and i know i am not perfect (i don't expect to be) but i feel like if i'm not, then i risk losing him. Its a horrible feeling. My house is a mess in my eyes, have i seen so much worse, of course. There are no safety hazards, baby isn't moving yet, but again i am afraid that social workers will come in and pass judgment on me and give them a reason to say that i am not fit to be his mother. I realize again that a lot of this is me, but i am doing the best that i know how, and we seem to be doing well together. I really love this little boy, and would be crushed if anything happened.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
9 weeks
****disclaimer...i love this little boy, and do not regret anything that i have done. I look forward to being his mother. The following may sound negative, but really it is venting.
************************************************
When everyone said that i was going to be tired for the next 18 years...they were not joking. I really am over this getting up every three hours or so. I am enjoying being a mom, don't get me wrong, but there are a few things that i am over...obviously the lack of sleep (i think that once he figures out if he sucks his thumb he will sooth himself back to sleep), that he cant tell me what he wants, and that he cant blow his nose. The diaper thing really isn't a big deal (though he seems to go through them like they are going out of style).
Routine, everyone says that a bedtime routine will help him sleep the thru night. Well i am convinced that when he is good and ready he will sleep thru the night. We obviously have differing opinions of when this should happen. I feel like i can do everything to make the routine happen, but then of course there are nights that we are out, or that things are out of order, but bottom line is he runs this show. As it is now, I have to stop writing again, 1020pm, because he is crying, even though i just changed him and fed him. He finally fell asleep at 11, not in his crib, but in the Rock and Play he sleeps in next to my bed.
I am ready for a routine, apparently i need that as well, though i didn't really know it. I have to say that in some ways i am ready to go back to work, i am ready to get back into things. Obviously i don't want to leave the baby, but the walls in the house are starting to close in. Though i am not looking forward to going to work and dealing with all the drama and then coming home and dealing with more. I always wondered how social workers did their job and come home to kids. I also have the work drama at home, since i still have social workers in and out of my house, and court, and still worrying if someone is going to take him from me.
The other thing is that my back is constantly killing me. I just found out from my chiropractor (ok from Darby since i still haven't received the letter) that they are closing!! I love my chiro, its close to home, they are flexible...what am i going to do? I think i am behind for my massages, and probably have paid for the last couple months, and haven't gone. I feel like i am a walking smell of sour milk, LOL. O yea, and one more thing, food, i would love to be able to have something other than cereal at 9 pm. I love to cook, obviously i wont be able to do that until he is older. I realize that this is all part of being a parent, and when i am not in the middle of this, it will all be funny, but for right now it sucks...My poor cat, he is so jealous...he isn't my baby anymore. Hopefully he will come around, but for now he dumps all of the water in his bowl onto my floor.
So there is my tired rant....I really do love that little guy...and really hope that in the next six months or so, that i can make him officially my son.
************************************************
When everyone said that i was going to be tired for the next 18 years...they were not joking. I really am over this getting up every three hours or so. I am enjoying being a mom, don't get me wrong, but there are a few things that i am over...obviously the lack of sleep (i think that once he figures out if he sucks his thumb he will sooth himself back to sleep), that he cant tell me what he wants, and that he cant blow his nose. The diaper thing really isn't a big deal (though he seems to go through them like they are going out of style).
Routine, everyone says that a bedtime routine will help him sleep the thru night. Well i am convinced that when he is good and ready he will sleep thru the night. We obviously have differing opinions of when this should happen. I feel like i can do everything to make the routine happen, but then of course there are nights that we are out, or that things are out of order, but bottom line is he runs this show. As it is now, I have to stop writing again, 1020pm, because he is crying, even though i just changed him and fed him. He finally fell asleep at 11, not in his crib, but in the Rock and Play he sleeps in next to my bed.
I am ready for a routine, apparently i need that as well, though i didn't really know it. I have to say that in some ways i am ready to go back to work, i am ready to get back into things. Obviously i don't want to leave the baby, but the walls in the house are starting to close in. Though i am not looking forward to going to work and dealing with all the drama and then coming home and dealing with more. I always wondered how social workers did their job and come home to kids. I also have the work drama at home, since i still have social workers in and out of my house, and court, and still worrying if someone is going to take him from me.
The other thing is that my back is constantly killing me. I just found out from my chiropractor (ok from Darby since i still haven't received the letter) that they are closing!! I love my chiro, its close to home, they are flexible...what am i going to do? I think i am behind for my massages, and probably have paid for the last couple months, and haven't gone. I feel like i am a walking smell of sour milk, LOL. O yea, and one more thing, food, i would love to be able to have something other than cereal at 9 pm. I love to cook, obviously i wont be able to do that until he is older. I realize that this is all part of being a parent, and when i am not in the middle of this, it will all be funny, but for right now it sucks...My poor cat, he is so jealous...he isn't my baby anymore. Hopefully he will come around, but for now he dumps all of the water in his bowl onto my floor.
So there is my tired rant....I really do love that little guy...and really hope that in the next six months or so, that i can make him officially my son.
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