Week 10

Where did the time go, 10 weeks???  He is now "talking", and cooing, and has this great noise he makes from the back of his throat.  He also screeches when he is happy.  He loves to go in the car, almost like a dog, i tell him its time to go in the car, as soon as i put him in his car seat he laughs, and screeches.  His neck is getting stronger and stronger, and even sits in his bumbo chair, today for about 15 minutes.  He is reaching out and grabbing things, and even hanging on to them.  He likes for me to help him up by the hands, and then he pushes down and stands up.  He is so proud and doesn't know what to do, he almost hyperventilates.  He seems to look for me when someone else is holding him, and have been told that he looks for me when i leave.  He has this rash on his arms, doc doesn't know what it is, but when i took him in yesterday he weighed 14lbs, fully clothed.  On the 6th he was 12.8, i think i will call him moose.  I went to a mommy group with him yesterday, and there was a 4 month old little girl, he looks huge compared to her.  LOL...

I feel paranoid.  I know that all first time mothers are paranoid, but i feel a little added pressure. Now i am 99% sure that i am putting the pressure on myself, but i have all the first time mommy things, but also i have social workers looking at what i do, and they decide if i can care for him.  So every mark, or the fact that the back of his head seems flat, and his hair is all crazy, i know that this is normal, but i worry about what the people that have to come in and look at me and what i am doing will think.  Again i am humbled, and have a better understanding of what my clients go thru.  I feel always on edge about things, and i know i am not perfect (i don't expect to be) but i feel like if i'm not, then i risk losing him.  Its a horrible feeling.  My house is a mess in my eyes, have i seen so much worse, of course.  There are no safety hazards, baby isn't moving yet, but again i am afraid that social workers will come in and pass judgment on me and give them a reason to say that i am not fit to be his mother.  I realize again that a lot of this is me, but i am doing the best that i know how, and we seem to be doing well together.  I really love this little boy, and would be crushed if anything happened.