Week 4

WTH....Week 4??? We are both still alive, and kicking, so i guess I am doing OK for now.  I am getting to type this two handed...for now anyway..I think i am now over the initial shock of what has happened to me.  The last 3 weeks have gone by in a blur...but yet seems like so long.  That must be the lack of sleep talking.  I feel like we are kind of getting into some routine, but of course when I think we have one, he has to go and mess around with it.  Of course he will be doing this for the rest of his life.

The first week or so, he was sleeping a lot, and was sleeping for 3-4 hours at a time at night, i would feed him, change him and He went back to sleep.  He is still doing that but the last two nights it has only been 2 hours at a time.  He has also starting crying when he wants something NOW!!!  Last night there was two of us, and it took a while to calm him down...once he did it was good.  He loves a warm bath and likes the car as well.  We did bust out the bath last night, he totally stopped, as soon as he was out he started again.  I don't know if sleeping all day and evening has anything to do with him waking up.  But from what I understand he is actually a good baby.  I am not horribly stressed, but really tired and for some reason i cant seem to get on his schedule.  Once i get on his schedule, it will change.

Of course those fleeting moments are all worth it.  The smile, or at least reaction to me when i kiss him, or we have a staring contest.  And while i have a ton of stuff to do, i love when he stretches out across my chest, binky in his mouth and sacks out hard!!  He is growing fast, and i find things, and think i should call the advice nurse, but i don't want to be that mother. 

We have the next court hearing in a week, and that's when I will find out what the recommendation is.  I still anticipate some resistance from county workers, but nothing that I cant handle.  I am willing to fight the fight and i think that i have people on my side, but it is still hard.l  I am the only mother he knows, and brought him home from the hospital.  I feel like we have bonded and that he is in the best place possible, but i do understand the system, but still.  I have bonded with him, but i think in the back of my mind I know that things can change at any time, and I don't want to be hurt.  I know that i am providing a good home for this baby, and surrounding myself with good people that love him too.  Also his medical issues seem to be going well, and we may be in the clear. 

I am finally realizing the enormity of what I have done, and realize that my life has changed forever.  Most days i am totally OK with that, and i am sure it will be like that for ever.