It has been over a month since my last post, and still no news to report. Honestly...it sucks!! I am frustrated, angry, sad, confused and don't know what to do. If i would have gotten pregnant, i would be 7 months along, happy, waiting for my baby to be born. But instead i wait, feeling helpless and hopeless...I know i have said this before, but i just don't get it. I know what the system is doing, i know that in the month of March our county had 350 more referrals then our normal average. I just don't believe that it is only Sacramento County. I did some checking and I really cant take a Sac County kid, and they wouldn't even consider me for placement. So here I sit...I have been told that the surrounding counties want to keep babies in their own counties. I live 10 minutes from surrounding counties, so its not like it is 8 hours away. I want to talk to my social worker, but I don't want to be THAT person, the one that always complains. I want to believe that she is doing everything she can to get me a placement, but really who knows. Again i understand this doing what i do, but i know i have already been passed over once because i am a single mother.
So now i am getting people saying that i should just go get pregnant. But there are a few things with that....(1) i am not getting any younger (Believe it or not, i just realized the other day my birthday is a month away) and (2) i honestly don't even know if i can get pregnant. As my coworker so nicely pointed out I am old especially when it comes to having children. Giving birth still freaks me out...So this puts me in kind of an odd position, and I have no idea what to do. I mean if i tried to get pregnant now it could take several months, and it could be a year or more until i have one....or i can wait and could get a call tomorrow. So what do i do??? Kind of a hard decision, right?
So i have been presented with some kids, but it seems to be always siblings, at least 2. The last was a 2 yr old and a 4 year old. I feel like maybe i am getting to the point where i have to say yes. It scares the crap out of me to have more than one kid...but...eventually i want more...so really whats the big deal. I don't know if i could handle 2 at the same time...i mean when you give birth there is time for you to adjust, but one day you are alone with your cat, and the next day you have 2 kids...that's pretty intense. Could i make it...i am sure i could. But last weekend I spent 1 whole day with my 2 year old niece...(who by the way is the cutest thing..and so much fun) My parents were with me, and were more than happy to let me run around after her and bathe her...and all that stuff. I drove home, and was SO tired i didn't know what to do. I thought, what if i had to come home, and i had a child or two..i came home and crashed...LOL...
So here I sit, with the nursery room closed....
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