heartbreak...

I had planned to write this the other night, but had something come up...but here goes anyway...

So 2 weeks ago my agency worker called and asked me if i wanted to go to the adoption picnic.  Those words just make me cringe.  I have heard about them, and swore i would never participate in one..EVER..as a parent or a social worker.  Well, now i feel like i don't have a choice, I want a child.  So for those of you that don't know, this picnic is basically to put kids on parade, wrapped in a fun, lets have a party way.

So before the event we get an e mail, with about a page long of rules.  You either had to bring a snack or drinks.  So my half of the alphabet had to bring drinks.  So i stop the night before and look at the juice boxes because i didn't want to bring soda, i wanted to be a good parent.  So i picked up something "healthy" the night before.  On Thursday i drive off to the park where the event is being held, find a parking spot 12 miles away.  I sit in the car for a few minutes to gather myself.  I already have a bad taste for this thing, so I was trying to be as positive as i could, but it wasn't working.  I walk up to register, and see a social worker i recognize but can't remember from where.  I get my name tag, red and white are kids with their names, ages and siblings, blue and white are parents, also with their name and their partners, and then neon green are social workers and others.  So like a good girl i put on the name tag, and sign up to work a few things, bubbles and parachute.  At least i could have a little fun.  So i walk off to find my worker.  She introduces me to the only other adoptive family, a gay male couple.  I loved them, and had a blast with them, more about that in a second.  So we were talking with the social worker and all of sudden she was unsteady and then said she couldn't see.  So the guys and i took her over to a table, got her some juice, ice on her neck...one of the guys called 911...but she felt better and we cancelled it.  She called the agency to have someone come get her.  The three of us were a little rattled i think, but one nice social worker from another agency said she would help us.  So we started out orientation at 1130, before the kids got there.  I was semi listening, but I wasn't the only one.  The kids that would be at the picnic are "hard to place" which means siblings and older kids.  So i am distracted by the super cute sibling set of 3 walking up, and then another.  So the person in charge said that they had 73 families signed up to be at the picnic, which is 145 people.  During this time there are already parents playing with kids, kind of getting a jump start i guess.  After all that, pizza is delivered and it is on.  I didn't feel like pizza, so i just stood around.  I have to say that if it weren't for the other two guys, i would have been standing there by myself.  I felt like i was their little puppy.  Meanwhile my negative thoughts got worse.  Anyway, so 140 plus social workers, there were 200 adults, as it turned out, there was only 25ish kids. 

So after all the kids ate, they announced a sack race, which i so was not in the mood for.  But of course if a kid needed a partner I would have done it.  The guys were asked, and the 11 year old girl did you are not it, and chose her partner and off they went.  There were only three sets of people, but we all yelled and cheered.  Here is the thing, these kids know what these picnic's are about, especially the older ones.  This is not their first time at these things, and this is what makes me sick. So its time to work our stations I get to mine and there are 6 or 7 adults playing.  So me and the guys start walking around, we felt so awkward and uncomfortable.  So you walk up to the kids of course everyone wants little ones so there are a ton of people there.  One of the guys said he felt like he was lurking, and it felt creepy.  Just as we come up to a sibling set of 3 boys, 6, 4 and 2.  We tried to interact, but when they are surrounded by 15 adults. I didn't want to freak them out, they didn't need that many people.  So once you get the chance, throw the ball the little one, he misses it, another adult picks up the ball, and that's your interaction.  After awhile i gave up, it was horrifying for me to even watch.

  So I was going to leave and i ended up talking with another agency worker from my agency who came later.  I introduced myself and she said that she had seen my name and had several placements for me in the last 7 months, but because of my job, i couldn't take them.  She said that most of the out of county kids she has are teenagers.  The more we talk the more depressed, disgusted, sad and angry i got.  I decided to leave early and since i had some clients to see i figured i would go.  I walked the 12 miles back to my car, locked the door and cried.  The whole experience was exactly what i thought it would be and then on top of it talking to that social worker, and knowing that i could have had a child long ago, and that i could be waiting for who knows how long, i just couldn't handle it.  After about 10 minutes i composed myself and went to save the children of Sacramento.

So here is the bottom line, i am fine to be a social worker in Sacramento county, and do my job to keep the children safe, but because of that job, i can't be a parent.  Nobody can produce a written document that says i cant have a Sacramento kid, but everyone says it can't happen. There are so many kids that need a good home, I have a job, and because of that job, which by the way is not always glamorous, i cant have a child in my home.  So what do i do?  If you ask my mom, she says get pregnant, everyone says it will happen when it was meant to happen...well...it needs to happen.  I knew being a social worker was going to be difficult during this process because i know too much, but i guess i didn't really think that my job would keep me from having a child...