Group

So tonight I went to a "support group" at my agency.  There was no format, or anything set to talk about.  First off i met the manager who sent e mail after e mail to my superiors to advocate for me.  She said that she had just returned today from vacation, so she didn't know, even though it happened two weeks ago.  So this was before everyone arrived, so I talked with her as well as the two that were going to lead the group.  The one social worker knew me for a few reasons, i met her at the horrifying adoption picnic a few months ago, also because she said she was on call the other night, and my name was highlighted and underlined to be looked at first for placement of a baby.

So my plan was to go in and not mention what I do, well of course that didn't last long, and I thought for sure it was going to backfire in my face, but actually didn't.  A few people showed up late, so they didn't even hear it, and the other ones listened, but really focused on me as a parent, so that was awesome.  Really it didn't come up at all in any form for the rest of the 2 hours.  There were times when people mentioned social workers, and had some bad things to say, or didn't know something about the process, but I am very proud of myself, I kept my mouth shut.  I let the agency worker tell what she knew.  I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but for me to keep my mouth shut, is amazing.  so i am very proud of myself.

So i guess the last one two months ago was the first group they had.  Also it should be noted that by going to this you get some training hours, which you need 12 hours a year.  I get the hours, but don't really need them because my training from work counts towards this.  In the group we had different levels of foster parents.  There was a couple who had been doing this for 15  plus years, and just had their first emergency placement, and actually had one of the children ordered to go to his aunt, who picked him up while we were there.  (you could hear his sister crying when he left) a woman who hasn't had a child in her home for about a year, but takes pregnant teens, a woman who has 4, yes 4 girls in her home, plus one just started college, a single woman who said she knew she wasn't meant to have any bio children, but takes tweens-teens and is willing to adopt if that is to happened. (she says her job is to keep them from getting pregnant. LOL)  The other lady has 2 young ones in her home, but has her own children who are my age, and then she adopted a child who is now 5.  Her story was awesome..she had this little girl placed in her home when she was 3 weeks old, at some point the father reunified, and his lawyer told her that he tends to screw up every 6 months.  She had minimal contact with the child.  After 5 months, the bio father called her daughter and said that he wanted them to take the child back.  It turns out the foster mother saw on the news that he was involved in a robbery where someone died, he ended up with 25 to life.  She called the agency, the child was placed back with her, and she ended up adopting her.  I had tears in my eyes!!

Anyway, most of the time we talked about problems with kids, and so on and so forth.  I did say i was frustrated, and we kind of talked about it.  Everyone in the room said that my baby would come.  The lady who adopted said that she hopes she doesn't see me next time, because that would mean a child was placed with me.  The couple who was obviously religious said that the lord would bring me a child on his time, or something like that.  It was a nice thought....but....kind of turned off, because I hate when every one assumes that you believe the same as they do.

So overall it was a good experience, and I would go back.  It was nice to hear stories, both positive and negative, and it made me happy to know that some of the children that I have removed could have been placed with any of these people, and i know they care and seem to be doing this for the right reasons.  It was nice to be heard, and not to have to put all this on my friends and family.  Did it solve anything, of course not, not that I expected it too.  Do I feel any better, I don't know.  But I am glad I went.

Still praying to the adoption gods....

1 week

That's how long it has been since I got the OK with Sac County and not 1 phone call.  I guess over the last year, i imagined that if i was able to take a Sac kid, my phone would be ringing off the hook...not sure why i thought that.  I am trying to be positive, and of course have my good days and my bad days.  Some days I feel like i should just go to the SPCA and rescue a bunch of cats, and live out my life that way.  I know that wont make me happy, but you get where i am going with this.

I was talking with someone today who said that she didn't think she could do this because she likes control, and when you do things you expect to have something to show for it on the other side in one way or another.  I am totally this way, so the fact that i am not in control of this, and i can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but cant touch it...SUCKS...there is no other way to describe it.  And of course the reoccurring theme is that i know too much.  I know that there are a lot of people on my side, rooting for me and want to help, and i want that, but i cant be a part of it...I fought for this, and I don't want to do anything to screw it up.

I guess the biggest thing for me, is that I am SOOO ready to be a mother, have been for years.  This week i had nasty Chinese food, but in the fortune cookie, my fortune said.."You will win success in anything you adopt."  Everyone says frame that, and maybe i will one day and put it up in the baby's room,  but for now i have it stuck it in the back of my cell phone case, so that it is with me all the time hoping it will put those vibes out into the universe...

So with my cute little baby shoes with skulls on them hanging next to my bed, i pray to the adoption gods for that phone to ring.

My own worst enemy

And BTW every time the phone rings, my heart skips a beat...

So it has only been a day since my...,lets call it victory...and I am already climbing the walls.  When I started this process last year, I was so excited and ready, after a few months I realized it was going to be a long process, i settled in for the long haul.  I got into a routine, or i guess was in my normal routine, and i did what i do with work, compartmentalize, and take away some of the emotion so I can live with it, there were a few ups and downs...I felt so bi polar (OK even more so than i am normally)  then for the last 6 months, nothing, not a phone call, only a adoption picnic, which was horrible, but that brought back some of the emotions.  Then I settled back into the routine, then kicked it back up with this "fight" and here I am.

I apologize to everyone in advance i know i have baby on the brain, and i tend to obsess so when you get sick of hearing about it..just let me know...So yesterday was a total Up, and now i feel like i am down again.  i am trying to be positive, and realize that it could be another year of waiting, and that some of this is political and it could take time, but i know that my child is out there, and it is only a matter of time before we find each other.

One step closer

I just proved to myself, and hopefully to others, that even though there is a "system" and people think one thing, if you advocate and push and think outside of the box, you can achieve anything!

So I haven't been able to really talk about what has been going on, but I have been given the go ahead.  So about 3 months ago, my friend Darby and I had been talking about how long this has been taking and all of obstacles I have run into because I work for the county. It was so difficult for me to understand that I can keep the children of Sac County safe, but i couldn't have one placed in my home because of it.  I understand conflict of interest, and get it, but i also know that there are so many kids that need a home.  So with a swift kick in the pants from Darby we sat down and wrote a letter to advocate for myself, and the other social workers who may want to do this down the road.  Really, once i found out that there is no written policy, then I knew i had a chance.  I have been working with my management (who by the way have been awesome and supportive through all of this), and today I got the official word, I can be considered for placement of a Sacramento County child!!!  Of course there are some parameters that have been set, which is fine, and needed, but this is the break I have needed.  After a heartbreaking year of waiting, and sitting on the floor in the nursery crying, I am one step closer.  Now, of course I could still be waiting for sometime, but this could speed placement up, and has expanded the search.

So first off...to Auntie Darby...you rock....thanx.....everyone else for you support and concern, thanx as well...all your good thoughts my way are needed and appreciated.....

BTW...this is where the nausea comes from...it is as if i am pregnant.

Nothing new

Nothing new to report unfortunately....

On Tuesday, I get to sit in a foster parent recertification class.  You heard me....recertification...of course i knew i would have to do this, but i really thought i would have to find a babysitter, to sit in the class for 3 hours.  I probably need to sign up for a refresher for CPR as well...

This is still a step or two above me at the office....and now am trying to figure out what else i can do.  Someone suggested I call my congressman, but i looked her up, and it says she doesn't handle local things...i assume this is local...so i don't even know where to start...and if anyone like that can even do anything for me.

If anyone has any ideas, or info...let me know....thanx

I can't believe it

Tomorrow is the first day of July...(hard to believe with the weather we have been having)..This month it is a year that I started this adoption process.  I attended the orientation in July last year.  Honestly I thought I would have a child by now, and been a least halfway into the adoption process...but apparently it hasn't been meant to be.  I know...I know...when the right child comes along, blah blah blah....frankly I am sick of hearing this.  I am going to have to take all those classes that I took to get certified all over, and I haven't even held a child...

I see children everyday at work, and this week happened to be a week of newborns.  Well of course that doesn't help.  So when this mother, who said she loved me and thanked me because I told her I would do everything I could to make it so she could keep this baby, asked me if I wanted to hold her 2 week old baby,  I was almost afraid.  I mean, I feel glad that she is getting clean and finally wants to parent her 4th child....BUT (and i feel bad for feeling like this) I thought, "couldn't i give that baby a good home, maybe even better"......or the little baby I saw who's parents thought that it was OK for a baby to sleep on her stomach, because she threw up when she was on her back...DUH..that's what baby's do.  Yet here I sit, waiting, as well as some of my closest friends who are having trouble getting pregnant.  I want to scream and yell...when will it be my time???  It makes no sense to me.  Even when I think about it, it makes me cry. 

I don't even know what to do with this....there are babies everywhere...A few friends have recently given birth to adorable babies, people I grew up with are having their second and third...it seems everywhere I look there are babies, or women that are pregnant.  It is so freaking frustrating, and I feel like maybe I wasn't meant to a mother.  Though I thought that was really the only thing I was put on this earth to do.  I have a great role model, and am ready to pass that on...and of course, tweak things to do it the "Jordonna Way." 

I know that things could be so much worse, and everyday I get up and try to have a positive attitude.  I just want to thank everyone for your love and support.

I'll take that one...

Well...I am officially a year older....BFD...


So today I was online searching sperm donors today. I found one that is described as looking like Rick Schroeder or a young version of Val Kilmer....Yummmy..Anyway, why was I doing this, well one reason was because I was completely unmotivated but also trying to check out my options. Things are moving slowly with the county, but are not dead yet, so that’s good. But I think part of this is desperation, actually I know it is.

The bottom line is that I want a child. Yes I could go and look at hundreds of sperm donors, pick "the right one" and buy 5 vials of it, and hope it works. Really how much different would that be then what I am doing now? I know at some point I will be able to have a child placed in my home, and eventually be a permanent part of my family. If you ask my parents, they will tell you that patience is not my forte. So here I am in desperation mode. Of course I still want to adopt, I want to adopt, not because I can’t have a child, but because I feel like I can give a child a great home. I know it will be rewarding, and a challenge, but I love a challenge. I think that this process is more of the challenge then actually being a parent.

So I will continue to hang in there…I want to thank those of you that have been so supportive, I couldn’t have done it without you.