The joys of toddlerhood

I think it is official, we have hit toddlerhood.  I know I tend to be negative, and this blog may not be any different, but this is where I am, and I have never been one to candy coat things.   To preface this whole thing, work sucks right now!!  I am stressed out, overwhelmed, which has made me unmotivated and cranky.  I always wondered how people went home and took care of their family while working for CPS, and now I know.  With little sleep, and prayer..LOL..  I don't want to pull the single mother card, since I chose to do it this way, and don't regret any part of it...but it is so much more difficult than I could have expected. While I was sitting in SARB today watching this mother with her 5 kids, I thought that it could be worse.  I would say that I don't understand how she does it, but clearly she is not because we were talking about how her kids have missed almost a full year of school.
 
My kid is hitting me, telling me no and the newest thing is to dump his entire plate of food on the floor.  Honestly I would love to throw something too!  When they say that there is no handbook on raising a child, they weren't kidding.  I have no idea what I am doing, and daily feel like I am failing miserably.  Now of course I know I am not, but when things at work are so stressful, and my kid has been eating a lot of waffles for dinner, (ok let’s be real, not eating, but throwing it on the floor) I feel like I have failed.  I know this is all normal and his tantrums and behavior is only going to get worse before it gets better, but even though everyone says I am doing fine..blah blah blah is all I hear.  The reality of my life right now is that I am f***ing tired!!  And there is no end in sight.  I really thought that doing this without another half was great....no drama...but it really would be nice once in a while.  I tried to leave him a few weeks ago with my dad so I could go to a baby shower, and halfway through I called to check in, and my poor dad had a hysterical 18 month old. I bawled, felt so bad for him and my kid...I made my mom leave to pick up my kid and come back.  He is clearly in the clingy phase, and I can’t leave him with anyone right now.  I have no problems leaving him at daycare, but he has been there since he was 3 months old, and couldn't do this without my awesome day care.
 
The last part is that I am lonely.  I know I am not doing anything to change that, but really I don't have the energy. It’s not just companionship, but support.  Everyone wants to help, but when it comes right down to it, reality is that it is only me that I can rely on.  I don't have anyone to bounce things off of, or say "you deal with him."  I feel like I will never get to go out to eat in a nice restaurant.  Again, I love that little boy more than life itself, but it’s tough.  I know that there are a lot of other people who have it far worse than me...I have a decent job, live fairly well, and neither of us want for anything, we are healthy and my kid is growing and developing at a crazy pace...I am in awe of moms who are always positive, and I wish and try to be that way.
 
When I hear him scream Mama and runs to me when I pick him up after a long crappy day, I can’t help by smile.
 
I am going to leave with this quote I heard from Kim Whitley that I love, "If he came through me or to me, it’s still the same."