It has been awhile

It has been so long since I have blogged. Even though I started this blog to document my road to adoption, I swore that I would continue this after as a way to keep up with things, but as we all know things and life get in the way. I really want to try to keep this up, I mean that first day that I brought the baby home, I wouldn't even remember what happened if I hadn't written it down. As it is I haven't written down everything and I know I will forget, but nothing I can do now, except try to be better about things. I can’t believe how things have changed for me. First of all, being tired is a state of mind...it is a different kind of tired that it was when he was a baby, but still...I am always tired!! I still can’t believe that both he and I are alive and doing well. Being a mother is so much more than a title, and I truly believe that not everyone is cut out to be one. This baby that is turning into a little boy, is an amazing thing and to happen in front of me is crazy. I think about his life, and where he is now, and where he could be had he not have chosen me to be his mother. I truly believe in that he would not be where he is if we hadn't been put together. Would he have crawled at 6 months or started walking at 10, would his first words have been all done? This kid is so smart, and to think 17 months ago he was brought into this world by somebody who didn't give a crap about him, did drugs, and didn't take care of herself medically yet look at him!! He is truly amazing and am proud to be his mama.

 As two of my very close friends get ready to birth their own children, it has been difficult for me in some ways. I did have time to plan, but everything was unknown. I didn't get to register for the things that I wanted and thought I needed. I didn't get to pick an outfit to bring him home from the hospital in, and really didn't even know if he was going to stay with me. I did have an awesome baby shower, but I guess I feel like I missed out a little. I didn't get to wait to find out if it was a boy or a girl, I didn't get to have pictures and watch him develop into the little being I picked up at the hospital. and yes, I could have done it that way, but now I know I didn't want to go through being pregnant or giving birth and wouldn't change a thing...but I guess I am a little jealous. I am eternally grateful that my friends are so awesome and have included me in their pregnancies. I am so excited to be an auntie again, and that my son will grow up and have these other beautiful children in his life.

 As for my kid, he has officially hit the terrible twos way to early, though he amazes me daily. He is a parrot, and I am so surprised that his first word wasn't a cuss word. He is such a chatterbox, and has a laugh that is infectious. I have been told that when people are having a bad day, and they hear him laugh it makes them smile. He loves music, and lately the wheels on the bus and patty cake are his two favorites. When he wants to sing he makes the hand gestures and says "peez" He gets so excited, and so proud of himself. He can say and point to body parts, and then can do it on someone else and his stuffed dog. We are finally starting to be able to communicate...which has been helpful for both of us, though when I don't understand him, he throws himself on the floor, bangs his head on the hardwood floor and fake cries...it’s awesome...lol...he now can climb up on the couch, and tonight I turned my back for seconds and he is now sitting on the back of my couch in the window, laughing his ass off!!! He has finally grown and can wear a 2T shirt...I remember a year ago, this tiny baby that I had, and can’t believe what he has turned into. We had issues at gymnastics last week, and am hoping that this week is better...he threw a tantrum and I was mortified, embarrassed and even cried...lol...first time he has every thrown a tantrum like that in public. It’s funny now, and I know I am not the only one...and this will happen time and time again...but he has always been a kick back kid. He takes everything in, stands back for a while and then jumps in.  

So that is the update for now…

                                                                            


                                                                       

Good bye 2013

Wth, where did the year go?? This year has been a big year! First and most important, my son oficially became my son! Looking back, i cant believe all of the things that Jace has accomplished. He started crawling, walking and talking. Where the heck did the time go?? I have a human being living in my house. I am really not sure how we did it. We are both alive and well, and my little baby is thriving and growing into a toddler. Life sure changes in a year, this year for new years i am in my jammies (that i have been in all day, with no shower), alone with my sick kid, probably ordering pizza, watching the ball drop at 9pm and going to sleep. I suppose this isnt how i thought i would spend my last new years in my thirties, but i am ok with it. Of course there was bad as well, but i dont want to dwell. The things i am looking forward to in 2013 are watching my child continue to grow,as well as my niece who will be 4 next week. I hope for good health for my family and friends, that i continue to love what i do. The most exciting thing to look foward to is that i am going to be an auntie, 3 times. The Gellers will welcome their little boy in April, and my bestie Cheryl will welcome twins in June(hoping on my birthday). I am so excited for them, the all really want to be parents and deserve it, and will do a great job!! Jace will have cousins to play with. With that, i wish everyone a safe and healthy new year. We love you!

I am thankful

This month people are posting everyday what they are thankful for, and while I didn't want to jump on the bandwagon, I decided I needed to bring myself back to the positive, since the last month has been so crazy, the winter is here and so is the holiday season, which I don’t like...So here goes... I am thankful for my health, and that I was able to recover from this "injury" quickly. Also for the health of my child, my family and friends. I am thankful for my small, but awesome support system. When I needed someone to come sit with me at the hospital because I was scared to death, my daddy was there. When I needed someone to sit with my kid while I was at that hospital, Darby and Calvin came through for me. In the few weeks after and during my recovery, both have come to my rescue many times. It was just nice even to have someone sit with me, since I couldn't do much else. I am thankful for my son, who is the love of my life. Before him, I was just a old woman, with a fat cat...LOL...When he was sick recently, and wouldn't sleep in his bed, as I slept on the chair with him, looking at him, and remembering when he fit so perfectly in my arms and we slept on a regular basis in that chair, and now he is growing quickly, and it was a little more awkward to sleep that way, I am reminded that the time goes by so quickly. Pretty soon he will be talking back, have his first girlfriend, and go off to college. I am thankful that I am going to be an auntie again!! In honor of National Adoption Month, I am thankful for adoption. There are so many ways to become a parent, and thanx to adoption I was able to become one, and I didn’t have to give birth... (cuz that scares the crap out of me)...I think it is important for him to know that he was adopted, and how we came to be a family...someday I will tell him his story, and also let him know that we were lucky, but that there are other children that aren’t as lucky. I am thankful for my job, as stressful as it is, I love what I do. Of course I am thankful for my family and friends. For everything they do and are I love them all. I am thankful for a ton of things, but I think this is a good start.

Have you ever felt incompetent?

I have many times, but the latest was tonight, and it was the first time i actually felt like an incompetent parent.  I know i'm not, and really it was no big deal, but i felt like i was being judged, and there was nothing i could do. 

First, my kid has had snot issues since day one, he has always had a humidifier in his room, saline and aspirator (that he hates).  I have used it so much, that the awesome one you get from the hospital split!  He has been on antibiotics, most recently at the beginning of the month because the doctor thought it could be a sinus infection.  His nose continues to run, and run...and run...and run...apparently today he had chocolate pudding and snot...LOL...He runs from you if you come towards him with a tissue.  Anyway, you get the picture...tonight we were at the all festival at the daycare and of course MY kid was running everywhere..nose running, screaming...of course he was having fun, and got a lot of attention...i was tired, not going to lie.  I just wanted him to stay in one place.  He was playing with the two little girls in his class, that both seem to love him....they stayed in one room and listened...did mine???? O yea and both of those girls had two parents there to watch them...Of course not....his nose continues to run, i am trying to keep up with him and his nose...had to wipe it with my hand and wipe it on my pants..LOL..i dropped my new camera, and just felt awkward...carrying a diaper bag...then of course he was playing with the play dough, and was sitting on a bigger chair, I turn away for a second to get a tissue and of course he takes that exact minute to try to get off the chair..of course he falls...great...he was fine, hardly cried...then one of the mothers offered me tissue which i felt was more about judging then it was about helping...I don't know if it was me or not being extra sensitive or what....this was the mother who said that her 16 month old hitting herself is a self esteem issue...of course when i said that mine has been doing it for months, i felt like an idiot yet again...

Then the other big thing right now is him and the bottle.  He is finally only drinking milk. He will drink out of the sippy cup...but still walks around saying "baba"  One of the day care teachers is really pushing to have him off the bottle.  i am not sure why, and i have spoken with the director, who said she is fine with him having a bottle.  I guess i am scared that he is not getting enough nutrition or whatever without the formula and if he isn't drink milk during the day then he isn't getting what he needs.  So he doesn't get a bottle at day care, as soon as he gets in the car, he cries for the bottle.  Apparently when one of the other younger kids gets his bottle, Jace has a fit. Anyway, this will be a transition in progress.  Speaking of fits, he throws himself on the floor when he doesn't get what he wants...WTH...i feel again like an idiot..trying to set boundaries and discipline... but he looks at me, laughs and goes on with it...AARRGGHH!!

Anyway, this parenting thing is really a challenge.  I am doing the best that i can...and feel like we are both still alive after a year..so we are doing well.  I feel people judge you and your parenting styles all the time and it is difficult not to feel judged.

One Year

One year ago today, my son was born.  I wasn't there for this part of his life, I don't know how long labor was, where his birth mother was when it started, who was there, or really anything before his actual birth.  I wsa going about my business, going to work, staring into the finished nursery, wondering when that call would come.  Who knew that at 1:14PM, a beautiful 8lb, 15 oz baby boy would innocently come into the world, and would leave the hospital 3 days later, with a strange woman who eventually he would call mom.  A woman who he doesn't look like, or whose genes he doesn't have, but would still love him more than life itself. 

I honestly can't believe that it has been a year.  Everyone always says that it goes by so fast...blah blah blah...well i can say now, that it is absolutley true.  I have this child who is walking, who am i kidding, running around my house, yelling cat, car, cracker and all done.  A child whose face lights up when i walk in the door at daycare, who is eating regular food, and will one day (soon I hope) be drinking milk out of sippy cup.  A headstrong, determined, stubborn, kicked back little boy with a temper, whose laugh melts my heart.  A child who has change my life in so many ways, and who I am as a person. 

Happy Birthday to my sweet Jace...I love you!!  Thanx for chosing me to be your mommy!

Its been a long time

So I realized that it has been almost a month since my last blog.  I don't really know why, and i have been thinking of writing one, but life got the best of me.

First was our adoption party thrown by my wonderful, awesome friends Darby and Calvin.  It was great to celebrate with all those close to us.  I of course cried and cried, and there are even pics to prove it.  Jace was a trooper.  He was passed  from person to person, with hardly a nap...i never once heard a peep out of him, and half the time i didn't even know where he was.  Even at 8pm, at dinner after,  he was a rock star!!  I really got lucky with this kid.

I don't even know where to start with this child and how he amazes me, day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute.  He is vocalizing more and more, and even says things that sound like something.  Now I am sure most of that is in my head, but I don't know.  I swear he says "all done."  The other night he was in his high chair and said all done, and then pushed away his tray.  IJS...smart kid..He says Mama,  but it is kind of nasally, and is a mix between M and B.  I think Ba may be bottle.  I even told him yesterday to go get his bottle, and he picked it up and brought it over.  As many of you know the biggest change is that he is now walking.  So we went camping a few weeks ago, and it was kind of a rough trip for him, but he was with his buddy Landyn who was walking all over.  Jace had to stay in his excersaucer and stroller and I think that pissed him off.  He has been crawling since he was 6 months and cruising since about 7 1/2 months, and it was only a matter of time before he took off.  So we get back from camping, tired and finally showered and we are chilling on the floor.  I look over at him, and he looks at me, smiles and takes a few steps!!  He was so proud of himself, and so was I.

As the days went on, he got more and more brave, took more and more steps by himself, until this past weekend, when he turned 11 months, he could walk the entire room with out falling, and when he did fall he was able to stand up where he was instead of having to use something to help him get up.  His nickname is Raptor, because when he walks at you, his arms are going, he runs kind of leaning forward and screaming...reminds me of the dinosaur in Jurassic Park. 

Today I scheduled his 1 year well baby check, and have an appt at the end of the month to get his 1 year pictures take.  WTF!!  Just 11 months ago i picked this itty bitty (OK no so itty) child up from the hospital and broght him home.  I had no idea how I was going to do this, where we would be, or even if I could be a single mother.  I still don't know these things, but I do know that this little boy has my heart.  When I pick him up from day care, an he smiles at me...or i get him out of his crib in the morning, and he is laughing and smiling, or even when the little booger is throwing his food on the floor, I get it...what everyone says you don't know until you have your own child, it is unconditional love...doesn't matter how we came to be a family, we are a family and really that's all that matters!!

Next challenge...Selling a house and moving with a baby...will keep you posted.

                                                       

Life goes on

Here we are, about a month after the official adoption...and guess what!!...things haven't changed. Okay some things have, but in terms of him being my kid, same ol, same ol.  What is changing is this child, in front of my eyes. 

It is absolutely amazing to watch this little being develop right in front of me. He has that Tickle Me Elmo talking thing, and he was watching Sesame Street, and saw Elmo and looked at the doll in the house.  It was awesome to see him put the two together and realize it is the same thing.  He is now taking things out of all of his baskets, and puts them back in.  when he does, he is so proud of himself, that we have to clap.  I have tried to get him to help clean up at the end of the day, but I still need to work on that.  I thought he would be walking by now, and i have a feeling he can, he is just lazy.  When he doesn't think about it he can stand for awhile, but as soon as he realizes it, down he goes.  He loves those little toddle toys that help him walk, but when he runs into something, he hasn't quite figured out how to get himself out of it, so he screams, grunts and hits hit head on the toy until Mom gets up to help.  Since our house is so small, this seems to happen more often then not.  With that, it appears my little angel, has an anger issue.  When he doesn't get what he wants, or wants something or even if i walk out of the room, he starts this howl.  Of course, there are no tears associated with it, and it is completely fake...he does it when i leave day care and he is fine 2 seconds later.

He recently had an ear infection, and was teething at the same time.  Poor baby...But he now has 1 tooth that has cut thru, and the other top three are on their way.  He is eating more and more real food...and seems to like it.  The other day he had Mac and Cheese with hot dogs, and veggies....and it was gone...i will say 3/4 of it made it into his mouth, which is actually pretty good, the rest was in the high chair. 

We are very excited about our party this weekend.  Looking forward to seeing family and friends.