Have you ever felt incompetent?

I have many times, but the latest was tonight, and it was the first time i actually felt like an incompetent parent.  I know i'm not, and really it was no big deal, but i felt like i was being judged, and there was nothing i could do. 

First, my kid has had snot issues since day one, he has always had a humidifier in his room, saline and aspirator (that he hates).  I have used it so much, that the awesome one you get from the hospital split!  He has been on antibiotics, most recently at the beginning of the month because the doctor thought it could be a sinus infection.  His nose continues to run, and run...and run...and run...apparently today he had chocolate pudding and snot...LOL...He runs from you if you come towards him with a tissue.  Anyway, you get the picture...tonight we were at the all festival at the daycare and of course MY kid was running everywhere..nose running, screaming...of course he was having fun, and got a lot of attention...i was tired, not going to lie.  I just wanted him to stay in one place.  He was playing with the two little girls in his class, that both seem to love him....they stayed in one room and listened...did mine???? O yea and both of those girls had two parents there to watch them...Of course not....his nose continues to run, i am trying to keep up with him and his nose...had to wipe it with my hand and wipe it on my pants..LOL..i dropped my new camera, and just felt awkward...carrying a diaper bag...then of course he was playing with the play dough, and was sitting on a bigger chair, I turn away for a second to get a tissue and of course he takes that exact minute to try to get off the chair..of course he falls...great...he was fine, hardly cried...then one of the mothers offered me tissue which i felt was more about judging then it was about helping...I don't know if it was me or not being extra sensitive or what....this was the mother who said that her 16 month old hitting herself is a self esteem issue...of course when i said that mine has been doing it for months, i felt like an idiot yet again...

Then the other big thing right now is him and the bottle.  He is finally only drinking milk. He will drink out of the sippy cup...but still walks around saying "baba"  One of the day care teachers is really pushing to have him off the bottle.  i am not sure why, and i have spoken with the director, who said she is fine with him having a bottle.  I guess i am scared that he is not getting enough nutrition or whatever without the formula and if he isn't drink milk during the day then he isn't getting what he needs.  So he doesn't get a bottle at day care, as soon as he gets in the car, he cries for the bottle.  Apparently when one of the other younger kids gets his bottle, Jace has a fit. Anyway, this will be a transition in progress.  Speaking of fits, he throws himself on the floor when he doesn't get what he wants...WTH...i feel again like an idiot..trying to set boundaries and discipline... but he looks at me, laughs and goes on with it...AARRGGHH!!

Anyway, this parenting thing is really a challenge.  I am doing the best that i can...and feel like we are both still alive after a year..so we are doing well.  I feel people judge you and your parenting styles all the time and it is difficult not to feel judged.

One Year

One year ago today, my son was born.  I wasn't there for this part of his life, I don't know how long labor was, where his birth mother was when it started, who was there, or really anything before his actual birth.  I wsa going about my business, going to work, staring into the finished nursery, wondering when that call would come.  Who knew that at 1:14PM, a beautiful 8lb, 15 oz baby boy would innocently come into the world, and would leave the hospital 3 days later, with a strange woman who eventually he would call mom.  A woman who he doesn't look like, or whose genes he doesn't have, but would still love him more than life itself. 

I honestly can't believe that it has been a year.  Everyone always says that it goes by so fast...blah blah blah...well i can say now, that it is absolutley true.  I have this child who is walking, who am i kidding, running around my house, yelling cat, car, cracker and all done.  A child whose face lights up when i walk in the door at daycare, who is eating regular food, and will one day (soon I hope) be drinking milk out of sippy cup.  A headstrong, determined, stubborn, kicked back little boy with a temper, whose laugh melts my heart.  A child who has change my life in so many ways, and who I am as a person. 

Happy Birthday to my sweet Jace...I love you!!  Thanx for chosing me to be your mommy!

Its been a long time

So I realized that it has been almost a month since my last blog.  I don't really know why, and i have been thinking of writing one, but life got the best of me.

First was our adoption party thrown by my wonderful, awesome friends Darby and Calvin.  It was great to celebrate with all those close to us.  I of course cried and cried, and there are even pics to prove it.  Jace was a trooper.  He was passed  from person to person, with hardly a nap...i never once heard a peep out of him, and half the time i didn't even know where he was.  Even at 8pm, at dinner after,  he was a rock star!!  I really got lucky with this kid.

I don't even know where to start with this child and how he amazes me, day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute.  He is vocalizing more and more, and even says things that sound like something.  Now I am sure most of that is in my head, but I don't know.  I swear he says "all done."  The other night he was in his high chair and said all done, and then pushed away his tray.  IJS...smart kid..He says Mama,  but it is kind of nasally, and is a mix between M and B.  I think Ba may be bottle.  I even told him yesterday to go get his bottle, and he picked it up and brought it over.  As many of you know the biggest change is that he is now walking.  So we went camping a few weeks ago, and it was kind of a rough trip for him, but he was with his buddy Landyn who was walking all over.  Jace had to stay in his excersaucer and stroller and I think that pissed him off.  He has been crawling since he was 6 months and cruising since about 7 1/2 months, and it was only a matter of time before he took off.  So we get back from camping, tired and finally showered and we are chilling on the floor.  I look over at him, and he looks at me, smiles and takes a few steps!!  He was so proud of himself, and so was I.

As the days went on, he got more and more brave, took more and more steps by himself, until this past weekend, when he turned 11 months, he could walk the entire room with out falling, and when he did fall he was able to stand up where he was instead of having to use something to help him get up.  His nickname is Raptor, because when he walks at you, his arms are going, he runs kind of leaning forward and screaming...reminds me of the dinosaur in Jurassic Park. 

Today I scheduled his 1 year well baby check, and have an appt at the end of the month to get his 1 year pictures take.  WTF!!  Just 11 months ago i picked this itty bitty (OK no so itty) child up from the hospital and broght him home.  I had no idea how I was going to do this, where we would be, or even if I could be a single mother.  I still don't know these things, but I do know that this little boy has my heart.  When I pick him up from day care, an he smiles at me...or i get him out of his crib in the morning, and he is laughing and smiling, or even when the little booger is throwing his food on the floor, I get it...what everyone says you don't know until you have your own child, it is unconditional love...doesn't matter how we came to be a family, we are a family and really that's all that matters!!

Next challenge...Selling a house and moving with a baby...will keep you posted.

                                                       

Life goes on

Here we are, about a month after the official adoption...and guess what!!...things haven't changed. Okay some things have, but in terms of him being my kid, same ol, same ol.  What is changing is this child, in front of my eyes. 

It is absolutely amazing to watch this little being develop right in front of me. He has that Tickle Me Elmo talking thing, and he was watching Sesame Street, and saw Elmo and looked at the doll in the house.  It was awesome to see him put the two together and realize it is the same thing.  He is now taking things out of all of his baskets, and puts them back in.  when he does, he is so proud of himself, that we have to clap.  I have tried to get him to help clean up at the end of the day, but I still need to work on that.  I thought he would be walking by now, and i have a feeling he can, he is just lazy.  When he doesn't think about it he can stand for awhile, but as soon as he realizes it, down he goes.  He loves those little toddle toys that help him walk, but when he runs into something, he hasn't quite figured out how to get himself out of it, so he screams, grunts and hits hit head on the toy until Mom gets up to help.  Since our house is so small, this seems to happen more often then not.  With that, it appears my little angel, has an anger issue.  When he doesn't get what he wants, or wants something or even if i walk out of the room, he starts this howl.  Of course, there are no tears associated with it, and it is completely fake...he does it when i leave day care and he is fine 2 seconds later.

He recently had an ear infection, and was teething at the same time.  Poor baby...But he now has 1 tooth that has cut thru, and the other top three are on their way.  He is eating more and more real food...and seems to like it.  The other day he had Mac and Cheese with hot dogs, and veggies....and it was gone...i will say 3/4 of it made it into his mouth, which is actually pretty good, the rest was in the high chair. 

We are very excited about our party this weekend.  Looking forward to seeing family and friends.

At last...

As many, if not all of you know, the poor child is now stuck with me for life.  LOL...I am okay with it, and I know right now he is...but i bet in about 12 years he won't. 

Everyone wished me luck, and such, but really we were in court for all of 10 minutes.  My entourage and I arrived at the court.  As we were all kind of taking out time getting into the court house...i was worried that there were clients looking at me.  I tried to herd everyone upstairs quickly.  I wasn't nervous, but of course had some butterflies.  It was so great to have so many people there to support me.  When the bailiff called us in, he told us to sit where ever we wanted.  Usually i walk into this courtroom, it is quiet, you have a certain place to sit, and there are lawyers, and everyone else there.  There was a little chaos trying to decide where everyone should sit...i ended up in the middle of the table, with my father next to me holding the baby.  Calvin was off to the side recording the whole thing.  The judge walked in, and actually came over to the table, right in front of me.  They look soooo much bigger on the bench, and she is small anyway, but apparently she had 4 inch heels on.  So she came over to the table, and looked at the baby, and said hi to him, and called him the other name...LOL...now i get it, but she had the paperwork right there in front of her with the name that i was changing it too.  At this point i am not sure if she remembered i was a social worker, but i said something about not knowing about this part of the process.  She said that it was clear I didn't because I hadn't checked the box on the paperwork that said I wanted to adopt.  I can't wait to see the video to see the look on my face, but i know my heart stopped!!  I know i started crying at some point, but i don't remember when. Well, part of the problem is I didn't fill out the paperwork, my social worker did.  So the judge said that she wasn't going to hold up the proceedings for it, just then my social worker popped up, that she had seen the mistake, and had filled them out again, ad had a copy with her.  OMG...we talked about it afterward, and she said she probably should have warned me...LOL...Anyway, the judge said that adopting him meant that I had to give him everything he wanted...She actually said this process is kind of like getting married, she asked me questions, I said I do...and she signed the paperwork.  That took all of 10 minutes.  We took a few pics with my parents, grandmother and the judge and that was it.  We all huddled outside as I waited for the paperwork and took more pictures.  It was so great to have so many people there to support me.  The poor social worker who was stuck with seeing me every week came, as well as the social worker who made that call 9 1/2 months ago, and also approved my home study.  That was awesome, because i wouldn't be here with out them.

And the posts started on facebook..everyone wanted to see pics...I was going to wait, but my mom and Darby said they were going to blow up their pages with pics, so i figured I had to get to it first.

So, I guess this is the end of my first chapter of the Mommy Diaries.  I really have enjoyed documenting this process, some of the early stuff i don' remember, and only know because of what I wrote here.  I am going to stay certified and keep my home study up to date.  Who knows what the egg donor will do, or i forget what it is like to have an infant at home.  So stay tuned for my crazy life, because i know as he gets older, i am going to have so many more things to blog about, including the time when he starts asking about bio parents and how we became a family.  Right now i am going to enjoy him, because this age is soooo cute.  I will try not to post too many pictures and videos of him...but now that i can, i can't make any promises.  With that, here is one of the first pictures i have of him at 3 days old, at the hospital...I look scared to death!

Less than 24 hours

He went to the doctor today, and she has no concerns.  I was a little concerned that he didn't gain any weight, but she said now that he is moving, that is normal.  Hitting himself and banging his head is normal too...

In about an hour I am going to go to the daycare and pick up my child, and for the last time I will go to the last page of sign in/out to the W's and sign my name. When he returns on Thursday, I will have to go to the middle and search for H. How weird will that be? No more of that other name, hopefully anywhere. Of course it will take some time. Medi-Cal may take 18 years to change, but I won't stop until it does.  Wow, after 9 1/2 months it will be official.  I have so many emotions, but of course I am excited.  Everyone has been so supportive which has been great, and even though I am scared to death that this is forever, all I have to do is look at that goofy smile he has in the morning, hear that adorable laugh, watch him wave and blow kisses, and of course put his head on my shoulder and pat my back...I know that this was all worth it. 

Counting down

I just received a text from the FFA social worker, who i have not seen in a few weeks, because she is done with me...LOL...that said..."6 days"

That is the magic number for the day.  This is the number of days until court, and that name that he was born with is gone...untill the poor thing is stuck with me officially for the rest of his life..I am excited, and nervous, but not sure why.  At this point court is only a formality, and will only take 15 minutes if that.  The teachers at his school are so excited, its great.  Everyone is so supportive, and both of us are excited...ok i am, he has no idea...but some day when i tell him the story of how we came to be a family, I can say that July 18, 2012 was the day he became a Hornstein officially.  God help him...LOL