As I sit here, waiting for 2:00 to come, I have so many emotions. I sign these papers today for the adoption, they get filed with the court, and I will have a finalization court date in the next two weeks, I hope. I am scared to death. I know I have done okay up until now, but I guess I always knew there was an out, by doing this, it is final. Of course I never ever thought of getting out, but it was always there. As of today I don't receive foster care money for him, and that means a lot of things. They will officially terminate dependency at court, but now I can give him medication when he needs and not have to log it, I can go to the doctor and not have them sign any paperwork for the social worker, there will be no more social worker visits, and of course he will officially have my name. I am going to keep my home study and foster care license up to date in case I decide to do this again, or he has a sibling, or I go completely crazy. LOL.
I now get the mother thing...I mean I have worked with kids and parents since I can remember, I give parenting advice everyday to clients, I have worked in group homes, but being responsible for a human being, all by myself, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week....is no joke. I look at him, and think that I have done a decent job so far. We were talking about how much your environment actually makes a difference in kids. I often sit and wonder where he would be if I hadn't been given the opportunity to be his mom. Would he be crawling, trying to walk, have such a great low key personality?? I don't know. I do believe that the environment a child grows up makes a huge difference in their development, and seeing where he is, it makes me feel good to know that I have had a hand in that. I know that there are things genetically that I can't change, but I am going to do my best with the things that I can change.
It makes me sad that one day, when he asks about his bio parents, that I can only give him the info on her. We have no info on the father, except a pretty common first name. He will have great men in his life, but he will never know that biological part of him, which makes me sad for him. I also worry about raising a boy, but not only that, but an African American boy. I can talk to people, and surround him with people, but I don't have that point of view. I worry that he will have regrets, or be angry with me because he is stuck with his single, white, Jewish mother. I know that every parent has worries, and its normal, but it still bugs me.
So the papers are signed. The next step is the adoption worker from my agency will come out on Tuesday to have me sign a few more papers, and then she will go straight to court to file them. She said that she filed for one this week and it was 3 weeks out, but then last week was only 2 weeks. Of course that falls right smack dab in the middle of my friends vacation...and it is important to me that they be at court. I will wait until next week to see what the court gives me. After that, its final...so crazy..I got a stack of paper about the baby, medical stuff (which i already knew since i have taken him since birth) and the info they have on the egg donor. Interesting I have to say, Jace has adult siblings, one as old as 25, there are 3 boys and 3 girls. So the county will look into siblings and see if anyone wants contact. I hope so, but we will see. They did include a a picture of the egg donor, and the best thing is, that it is her mug shot. I dont know why I find that funny or I am surprised, but it was. The pic was taken a month after he was born.
I did ask about posting pics, and we all decided that since he is still a dependent of the court, I should wait...sorry!
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